Okay, so I have a post of a time when I was really struggling.  Most days are a struggle either physically or emotionally.  I have really realized just how Lyme has affected my brain.  For the last 3 years I have beat myself up for not handling "life" better.  Now I know.  I, and all the doctors, had focused on the physical stuff that I didn't realize how my mental capabilities were disappearing little by little, piece by piece.  I also realized I don't like it when people say, "You look great!" because this is intrepreted in their mind as, "she is better" when in reality I have dealt with this disease for so many years now that I have learned to do life with it. The only thing new is we know what it is.  There was a time in early 2009 where I had given up finding out what was going on with my body.  I felt like I was trapped in a the body of a 90 year old but no one could figure out what was wrong...so then you start questioning your sanity.  Questions like, "do I really have that much trouble with my hands?" or "Do things really hurt as bad as I think they do?"  If you really know me, and few do unfortunately, I am not one to lay on the couch or be in bed unless I have to and usually I push myself too far and end up there. But, the minute I have an ounce of energy I am back up and going.  I like to be doing life.  But, in doing life I get frustrated that I can't do it like I used to.  But just because I am up and appear to be going doesn't mean I am doing it without struggle.  Every day is a struggle in some way.
I wanted to blog because today has been a fairly good day.  When I feel like I do right now then I feel like I can beat this thing. Unfortunately, most days I wonder how in the world I am going to make it through the next year fighting Lyme. But today, I had a great morning doing school with my girls and I am at Becka's gymnastics doing what I love which is watching my girls excel and enjoy what they do.  I have my ear phones in listening to a song list of songs that I find uplifting either physically or emotionally but always spriritually.  There is nothing much greater then watching my girls.  This is being a mom and that's all I want to do is be able to be a mom and wife and not just merely be surviving hoping I can make it through the day without too much damage done to my kiddos emotionally.  It doesn't take much to overwhelm me or frustrate me.  I just don't  have the mind capacity anymore.  I have been wondering through the last 3 years why I get more and more easily frustrated and why I long to be just left alone.  Though the diagnosis was in December/January some things are just now making sense that I have just accepted as "life" the last several years.  It is mind blowing sometimes.
I think one of the most frustrating things about Lyme is that others don't understand the extent of this disease. Thus, one of the reasons for the blog.  We had lunch with a couple from our church Sunday after church and they were asking questions about Lyme.  If you ask I will definitely share all I know.  The funny thing is we went home and it hit me that with all I shared it was only the tip of the ice berg.  This disease is so complex and complicated. It affects every faucet of your body and your life.  There is no way to share everything about it in one sitting.  I am definitely passionate in sharing what I know hoping that awareness of this aweful disease is increased because for every person successfully diagnosed with Lyme there is at least one who goes undiagnosed.  This disease is nasty, complicated, complex and will take me over a year to fight it but I know one thing, I at least know what it is that is attacking my body.  After years and years of praying for an answer, we have one.  So, though the light at the end of the tunnel appears out of reach most days, I can at least see a light where before I couldn't.  God is good but he is Great in His time and in His way.  I can't imagine being sick and fighting Lyme without God in my life.  My relationship is not always the strongest but I know where my strength comes from.  So, I will continue to pump my ears full of music encouraging me and reminding me who holds my life in His hands. Without Him, life is useless, meaningless and pointless.
One thing I am learning through this journey is the importance of people, particularly family.  I felt God tell me to empty my plate of all my activities.  The only things we have each week besides church activities are the girls one activity each.  I'm doing good to get them to their one activity (Becka's gymnastics meets 3 times a week due to it being a pre-competitive team).  But, through years of teaching piano lessons and watching other families and the wear and tear on them I vowed early on not to be rushing from one activity to the next but to balance time when we are home and the girls can "just play" and be girls.  It was also placed on my heart early on that I can't just drop them off and not be involved.  This is a challenge when you have two.  This is why today is such a treasure because I get to watch Becka and Becka only (Thank you Kelly).  She gets to see me catch her do that new skill.  I see the treasures adding up when she looks over and sees that I am watching and am interested in what she is doing and didn't just drop her off or just hanging out entertaining her sister completely unaware of what she is doing.  I love it when I can give each child my attention and truly watch them, investing in them individually.  This is not easy, especially when most days I'm good to just make it through the day.  But I understand now why God placed those ideas and values in my heart several years ago....He knew where I would be today and I can't help but wonder if part of this Lyme is His way of helping me value my girls more for who they are and not just rushing around and being able to check hundreds of things off on my list of things to do.  With limited energy I am forced to choose each day and days when I would have chosen the laundry and dishes, I'm good to get through school with my girls but its at least time with my girls.  Priorities have changed.  It nots easy letting the laundry go unhung or dishes in the sink and it not easy to go the route we are going when the rest of the world is rushing by doing and going about with different priorities and values.  But, we are doing what God has placed on our hearts and raising our family the way God has placed on our hearts.  It hasn't always been easy listening to Him and following but when you "get" what He is trying to tell you and "go" where He is trying to lead you its unbelievable...things just "make sense".  What has He placed on your heart?  Are you listening?  Hard to hear if you don't even know who it is that is calling you.  I hope you do.  Life will never be the same.  Its a roller coaster ride you never experienced with peaks and valleys...but its quite a ride!