Its after 1 in the morning and the mind won't leave me alone. It has been unpeaceful for a couple weeks now and I think its compounded by Christmas knocking on our door. It has the ability to really make one contimplate or evaluate their life and where it is. I find myself extremely lonely and dissatisfied with where I am. The thought that keeps coming into my mind (with thousands of others) is how I never, in my 39 years of life, ever dreamed, imagined, even thought possible or considered that before I would turn 40 I would be waiting to hear on a disability case for myself, fighting to keep my head afloat as I slowly, day by day watch my body deteriate and gradually lose more and more independence in what I can do physically and mentally. Isn't this supposed to come later in life? Much later?!?! It wasn't my plan and I have fought it but I'm losing the ability to do that as well.
As I watch what seems like the rest of the world "moving on" its almost an out of body or fly on the wall kind of experience where you watch but you aren't a part of it. This adds to the loneliness. As I look at the relationships in my life or not in my life, I am saddened and full of questions and filled with pain. Its that kind of circumstance where I'm sick with faculties getting less and less each day, so when I have interactions with people I must look blank faced, and since the cognitive takes so long or doesn't happen at all I also must come across as anti personal....lacking interpersonal skills. This hinders relationships. But I'm not getting any better so this gets worse and the relationships further deteriate. This coupled with people who gave up and became apathetic a long time ago=lonely. I am thankful for the few relationships I have that encourage me and help me feel like a vital part of life and not just some forgotten, incompetent, worthless piece of trash that is easily discarded.
Tonight it has been the worst with the mind being relentless in its questions and feelings. I figured I could lay in bed and get the pillow all snotty as I am tormented by these thoughts that won't be resolved tonight, or I can get up and be productive....somehow. Part of that productiveness is venting my thoughts and feelings. Chris thinks some of this is the antibiotic (we've seen medicine do this before. Heaven knows we have been on enough) but I think a big part is the fact that the body is gradually starving to death and therefore the mind isn't getting the nutrients it needs to work properly. This on top of whatever illness/disease I have does not make for a happy recipe for healthy relationships in my life. No, its a vicious cycle and quite frankly, it sucks. It sucks to be 39 and not be the wife my husband needs or the mom my children needs or be an active part in my church or be able to meet the needs of friends who are hurting and fighting for their lives as well. Oh how I long to be well and a vibrant part of life. Oh how I long to not be taken care of more then I can take care of others. Oh how I long to turn 40 and see the other side of this stuff and to dance and shout and sing and function and meet the needs of my husband and children. I have all but lost hope for that. I am so drained and exhausted from all this that I have lost hope in seeing that day. I shared that with a dear friend and she encouraged me by saying, "that's okay. Thats what friends are for to take up the prayers and pray for you when you can't find the strength to do it anymore."  The fact that nobody understands or gets it makes it more lonely. When they just give up on you it makes it impossible to continue fighting.
I am a fighter. Always have been. But lately that is one of my questions. Why do I fight? Has it really served me well to fight? Have I gotten anywhere? Would it be better to just lay down my fight and surrender? I worked this over and over in my mind one day. If this is where God wants me....if He has no plan to bring me to wellness, then shouldn't I just surrender and accept it? By not accepting it, and by continuing the fight, am I acting disrespectfully to Him or ....not sure what the word is I'm looking for here. Is it wrong to continue to fight if this is His plan for me?
I'll tell you, it is no fun feeling like you are alive but are a burden to everyone around you and that you are just tolerated but that everyone would be freed if you were gone and that there is nothing you bring to the table of life....nothing...and if you did, it would be quickly swiped away by others at the table that don't believe you can do anything.  Its an awful and tormenting feeling. A useless feeling.  Why haven't I given up? Isn't it humanly natural to give up under those circumstances? What keeps one person going and another to quit? Don't we all hunger to be useful?
Just my thoughts on a sleepless night when I feel the mind is winning control and I feel unable to combat it. I don't have the strength to fight it off and sleep is unable to give me a few hours of peace and escape. I believe my friend is right in that we need others to fight for us in our times (in my case, years) where we are so tired and exhausted and weak that we can't fight for ourselves. But what do you do when it feels the world has turned their back and given up on you, and the few that haven't are asleep? :-0  Anyway,.......