I May Appear Normal.....

Is anyone really "normal"?  I may appear normal on the outside but I'm anything but normal on the inside.  The last three weeks have been frustrating, discouraging and an emotional rollercoaster.  As more people comment on how good I look I am constantly reminded throughout the day that I am still Lyme Green on the inside.  I'm glad I can look good while I feel crummy...surely that has to be a talent, right? Nope! Its God's handy work of grace painted all over the outside of me.  I'm glad I look good. I wouldn't want to look bad or droopy or morbid or something.  But at the same time it has been down right frustrating.  This August and September have been very difficult emotionally as Fall draws near and all the stuff that goes with it starts up.  I more often then none feel as if the world is spinning on without me as bible studies start along with other activities at church that I love to be a part of and I'm not.  I think I also had high expectations for "August" on how I would feel after 8 months of "treatment" and I don't feel a whole lot better then this time last year.  I also feel the weight of others expectations on me as well as my own which don't fall short of perfection.  I feel I am back at square one as if I never learned what I God showed me and taught me in the last 6 months.  How can I possibly go from being positive and content to struggling so badly?
Since the midline was taken out I feel I have been running non stop, especially these last 3 weeks as I have been trying to get stuff ready for school.  But I have also found in the last 3 weeks that I want to just climb in my hole and be by myself.  Not at all how I originally wanted to spend the last summer days with the girls.  There has been a return of most symptoms and full force, and new symptoms have shown up, so I am back to day after day of pain and discomfort.  My calf muscle was cramping so bad my mind searched itself for what I could possibly take to get some relief.  All this combined with being fully responsible for the house again and I have felt extremely overwhelmed, incompetent, and incapable.  So, when people say I look good on the outside I get confused because all I can see is the mess on the inside (there is a sermon in that somewhere :-) , as we say in our house).
I had blood work done today to check levels and even now that it is done I feel anxious about them and I don't know why. There are several other things going on that contribute to all this and I just don't feel I can get my head above water.
I see a counselor about once a month and I was anxious to see her this week to process all this and figure out what is going on so I can snap out of it.  I completely lost it with her and then I heard her say, "I think you are just plain exhausted. You need a break. You need to get away."  I felt so stupid (yes, the "s" word we aren't supposed to say in our house) because I processed those words and went, "duh!!!" that is totally it.  I have drilled myself into the ground, trying to do everything, not going to bed when I should, or eat the right things, and I just keep saying, "just one more thing", or "I'll just do this one more thing".  I'm already feeling bad and I don't see a big enough improvement to positively reinforce getting rest so I figure I'm just going to feel bad anyway, why not keep going.  My body hasn't had a chance to fight, especially when its down to begin with.  The mind just never shuts off and I barely allow the body to be still.  Oh, the peace of the days where the mind was quiet and the body was still.  It had to be.  The days I had help and the midline forced me to prioritize and basically it meant I hung with my girls because they were priority.  The last couple days (Sunday and Monday) were pretty bad with sore throat and  drainage and feeling sick on top of sick.  It was scary because I'm thinking, "what can they give me to help me get over this because I'm already on 3 antibiotics.  How many antibiotics can a person be on?"  I never dreamed a person could be on 2 at the same time much less 3, and all my other meds.  Today we started school and it was a challenge but God gave me exactly what I needed to function.  It wasn't the best first day but we made it through and tomorrow is another day. I will think about what we didn't do well and try again tomorrow.  I just hate that it takes me ten times longer to do things, and I can't multi task, and I'm trying to teach my 6 and 4 year old when I feel I have the brain of a 2 or 3 year old.  I is excruciatingly frustrating to not be able to do what you used to be able to do quite well.  My biggest fear right now is that all tests will show remission to the doctor's standards and I still feel like I do today with no answers.  What if God's will is for me to stay like this?  Having had a couple months where I didn't hurt all the time, that thought is difficult to swallow.  It makes me question where my hope is placed.  The world says that at the age of 37 I shouldn't be like this...that I should be more functional and yet I know I wouldn't be able to hold down a job right now if I wanted to due to physical and mental inabilities. When the midline was in I didn't look normal and normal wasn't expected out of me.  Now, the midline is out and I look normal and everyone expects me to function at 100% and I can't.  Its difficult to convince my head of this as well. I just want to function as a wife and mom, better then I have in the last 2 years.  But what if God has a different plan?