The Body is Weak and the Mind is Unwilling

Tonight I got more of a glimpse of what this disease has taken and I once again felt completely useless.  Chris is preparing a message to preach in November.  There is a song that would go perfectly (at least I think so) with his message.  Its one of the songs I listened to this morning called The More I Seek You.  We looked this afternoon for sheet music for it and all we could find was a pathetic rendition of it...really pathetic and nowhere near the original music. The original music is not at all that complicated.  So, while Chris and the girls were at church tonight I decided I would sit down and dictate it.  I have to work at it a little more then some, especially with a Lyme brain, but between listening to the song, my knowledge of music theory and picking notes out on the piano, I was piecing it together.  Again, its not overly complicated because its basically broken chords.  As I would get some dictated I would try to play it and was a little frustrated that I was having difficulty playing it.  Keep in mind that I haven't touched the piano for at least 8 months and seriously for over a year and even then it wasn't what I used to be able to play.  It had gotten to a point where I would sit down to play, hoping to enjoy it, and winding up frustrated that my hands wouldn't play like they used to...it just wasn't smooth. At the time I thought it was my hands declining.
I had worked tonight on it for a while when I decided I wanted to add the vocal line. Not knowing who would be singing it or playing it I knew it would be easier if the person playing could see the vocal line.  The last couple times I had been on Finale (music scribing software) it had been messing up, locking up.  I couldn't figure out how to easily add a vocal line, so I copied what I had dictated and opened a new document. Every time I went to set up a vocal line plus piano accompaniment part it would put the vocal line below the accompaniment.   I finally figured out how to get the vocal line above the accompaniment (like its supposed to be), I went to paste what I had dictated and it wouldn't paste...it was gone.  I was bummed but not discouraged...yet. I looked at the clock and all said and done I had used up an hour and didn't have another one to spare.  I open a new document and began dictating again, thinking it won't take as long the second time around, especially as often as I had listened to the song to get the first dictation. But what I found discouraged me more then if my whole computer had crashed.  It was if I had never dictated it the first time. I had no recall, not memory of what I had dictated the first time.  I then began to get frustrated.  I just don't have the time and energy to redo something like this.  I don't like doing things twice as it is, but even more so now.  I have to ration time and energy so badly now.  Again, there was a mix of emotions because on one hand I had sat down and done something I hadn't done in quite some time.  When I taught piano I would ask students what they wanted to play for recital and then I would arrange most of them to fit their level of skill. It felt good picking the song apart, looking at chords and dictating it.  But, it was frustrating to see the decline in the way I processed the pitch and going back and forth between the recording and the dictation...I just couldn't retain it.
I was proud of what I had gotten done though I had nothing to show for it.  But frustrated that an hour was gone and I needed to get dinner ready before the family got home and I don't get time alone where I can work on something like this. Maybe I shouldn't be doing it?  I prayed and then I just sat there and listened to the song twice and sang to Him...at least I could do still do that...as far as I know I can...no one home to tell me stop because it sounded bad :-)
Even at this point I wasn't horribly discouraged. It wasn't till I got into the kitchen to fix dinner (rather warm up dinner) and one thing after another pointed to my inability to do things. I drop things left and right, I go to put something in the cupboard and jam my finger or thumb in the shelf because of poor eye/hand coordination, or I can't get something open, or its difficult to stir something.  Here it is just a challenge to heat up left overs.  And slowly I begin to feel useless.  Chris and the girls come home and I am really discouraged. As I start to share with Chris what happened, only then do I start to put pieces of the puzzle together.  I realize in talking with him that it wasn't my hands that made it difficult to play, though they didn't help with the pain and decline in agility, but it was my mind that was making it difficult to play.  This discouraged me even further as I feel like an invalid.  Can't keep house, can barely cook dinner (and God has prevented the house from being burned down or a finger cut off), and I'm seeing all that has been taken away.  Things dearly loved....things I made a living by. Gifts and talents God gave me and I have struggled understanding why I can't do them anymore.  As I'm spouting this off I remember my song from this morning....If you take it all away will my hands stay lifted and will my heart still sing.  In my heart I say "yes" but it doesn't change the sadness and the grieving to see it go or change.  Not liking the feeling that I'm not good for anything here on earth.  I need help in every area.  What good can I be for His kingdom like this?  I lack the understanding but my heart will still sing and my hands will still stay lifted.
The sad part is everyone will most likely eventually go through what I am going through. Its called old age. I just get to experience it at 37.  Stinky part is, if God does allow me to regain any of it back after the Lyme is in remission, I will lose it all again with old age.  It really has been an eye opener for me these last months as to how it might feel to get old.  From the time we are born we work to be independent and be useful and productive and at some point it peaks and we spend the last part declining.  Depression sets in for so many aged people because they no longer sense they are needed, or productive. The very things the defined who they were no longer work and they are left just being if they don't find something else.  As humans we don't handle "feeling useless" very well at all.  Society doens't have a use for us and we are casted away in some form or fashion when we lose our usefulness.  Where once our parents took care of us, we then take care of our parents.  Honestly, I believe that getting old is the cruelest aspect of life. My mind ponders why it has to be this way.  I'm waiting for God to show me the answer.  I do find great peace, after losing whatever I may in this life, that I will end up in heaven where none of it will matter and I can sit at the feet of Jesus and bask in his glory all the rest of my days. I know I will have to share Him there as well (see previous blog :-)  ) but I won't care because I will be in so much awe over Him.  Some day.....

Church In Bed

Having been through a herx and not feeling well the last 4 days I struggled last night about church this morning.  It was strange to have two sides in me. One wanting to go to church but not at my church and one that didn't want to stay home.  I asked Chris, "Where does this leave me? My car?" When I look at what my body has been through the last 4 days I knew home in bed taking it easy and not pushing it was where I needed to be.

Last night Chris and I had a dinner to go to.  Chris arranged a babysitter, a sweet lady from church.  Since I didn't feel well, I stayed home. I told him to call the babysitter and let her know I was staying home and not to worry about coming but Chris said he wanted her to come anyway to help me out with the girls.  Not having much strength to argue I subsided.  But its weird having another adult in the house.  My body is aching for bed and to stay down but when there is another adult, no matter the circumstance, it is very difficult for me to "rest" or stay in bed.  I don't know if its the hostess thing or what it is.  She mentioned twice she didn't feel like she did anything and yet, once again, she did.  I mostly sat or layed on the couch with one of my kiddos while she made pizza with the other kiddo.  After dinner she and I began talking.  I realized last night that there is a strength in sharing what God has been doing.  There is a strength when she shared things God has done in her life.  While talking about the lessons, the experiences, the amazing love and blessings God has done I don't feel "sick".  As soon as we stopped and returned "to earth" the "sick" feeling returned as well.  I love sharing about what God has been doing with our family. 

I'm reading a book by Elisabeth Elliot called Through Gates of Splendor and I am in awe and feel such conviction as I read the passion Jim Elliot had for God.  It talks about how when he went to Wheaton College he feared being occupied by the "nonessentials" and miss the "essentials" of life.  It made me think how easy it is to get "consumed" by the things of this world.  Even the things we think are important or essential and missing what is really important.  I didn't think I would like this book but I am drawn to the commitment, passion, drive to share God's love in the most extreme places.  Some would say their job is the most important thing. Some would say football.  Some would say __________. Funny how I don't see those things in the Bible.  They are great and fun but not essential.  So what is essential.  If you are a Christian it should be Christ and Christ only.

This morning I lay in bed and I started out with several songs. One was:

The More I Seek You by Gateway Worship

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I find You

The more I love You

I want to sit at your feet

Drink from the cup in your hand

Lay back against you and breathe

Feel your heartbeat

This love is so deep

Its more than I can stand

I melt in your peace

Its overwhelming

This song moves me so much and my soul joins in and sings it out to Him.

The other songs was:

Captivate Us by Watermark

Your face is beautiful

And Your eyes are like the stars.

Your gentle hands have healing

There inside the scars.

Your loving arms they draw me near

And You smile it brings me peace.

Draw me closer oh my Lord,

Draw me closer Lord to thee.

And captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing River, 

Draw us nearer.

Holy fountain consume us with you.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

Your voice is powerful,

And Your words are radiant bright.

In Your breath and shadow,

I will come close and abide.

You whisper love and life divine,

And your fellowship is free

Draw me closer, oh my Lord.

Draw me closer Lord to thee.

And captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing River, draw us nearer.

Holy fountain consume us with You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

And let everything be lost in the shadow,

Of the light of Your face.

And let every chain,

Be broken from me,

As I'm bound in Your grace.

For Your yoke is easy,

Your burden is light.

Your full of wisdom, power and might,

And every eye, will see You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus,

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing river, draw us nearer,

Holy fountain consume us with You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

Another one of my favorites is I'm Still Yours by Kutless:

If You washed away my vanity

If You took away my words

If all my world was swept away

Would You be enough for me?

Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all

Would my hands stay lifted

To the God who gives and takes away?

If You take it all

This life You've given

Still my heart will sing to you.

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there's nothing left

To steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

If I lost it all

Would my hands stay lifted

To the God who gives and takes away?

If You take it all

This life You've given

Still my heart will sing to you.

Even if You take it all away

You'll never let me go

Take it all away

I still know

That I'm Yours

That I'm still Yours

I'm Yours

I'm still Yours!

I'm still Yours.

I then shuffled through the ipod and didn't see or feel any other songs pull on my heart so I set it on Jim Brickman's Faith cd and put it aside while it played in the background. I opened a devotional book I have called Reaching Forward by Gary Henry.  This book has encouraged me like no other and has really spoken to me where I'm at.

I like to open to the date and look at the key scripture. I then like to open my parallel bible and read that passage in four translations.  I then look at the scripture as printed at the top of the page in the devotional which is usually different translation.  Today's, as usual, hit me where I'm at, where God has been nudging me, tugging on me, chipping away and trying to mold me.  Today's reading talked about how our freedom has responsibility.  Aw! I remember thinking about how with freedom comes responsibility earlier this year (sometime since April). One sentence that stuck out to me was, "And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer..." (Romans 1:28). Wow! I can't imagine and yet does this happen gradually as we allow the things of this earth to take on more importance then our faith and knowledge of God?

It goes on to explain that God finally gave them over to their world passions. "In effect, God withdrew His restraining hand and let them plunge to the depths of their desired rebellion."  Even from my early days as a Christian, I remember reading about another scripture in the Old Testament that talked about how God turned His back on them. I remember thinking, and still do, how awful this would be.  This would be worse then anything that could possibly happen to me in life.  I have prayed that God would never "give up" on me and I thank Him that I feel His hands on my life and that He loves me as much as He does despite who I am and that He would find joy in disciplining me and not just leaving me where He found me.  

I went on to tomorrow's devotional and it talked about hope.  Yes, this has been a recurring word and lesson as I figure out where my hope lies.  The scripture passage is Acts 27:20 and it says, "since neither sun nor stars appeared for many days, and no small storm was assailing us, from then on all hope of our being saved was gradually abandoned." Even reading that my heart sinks and aches. To lose hope, all hope. Gary Henry begins the devotional by saying, "The only hope that we really have is the hope of God's grace and forgiveness. Whatever other hopes we may have are little more then dust and ashes  if we fail to find salvation and eternal life in Him." So true. And this is true as I go through this disease.  I've learned not to hang my hope on what scientifical research says things should be. I've learned not to hang my hope on lab results, or time tables, or doctor's words, etc.  All these things are man made things and man is fallible, untrustworthy, unreliable, and will one day be blown away as dust and ashes.  My hope is in God, who will forever be and is forever in control of everything else.  This is challenged, especially the weeks leading up to the last lab tests/results.  There was an anxiousness I did like and cannot explain.  If only my eyes would stay heavenward and not downcast. 

I love how Gary Henry reminds us that, "The need for God is planted deep within us, having been put there by our Creator, but we often deny that need and expand our energies on so frantically in the pursuit of other needs that we forget about our need for God, at least for all practical purposes."  I think of the people I know that live such busy lives.  "To busy" for this and "to busy" for that.  I was once on that path.  It still calls my name and I feel the urge to "be busy" because then I feel useful and productive.  But in the pursuit of wanting to be useful and productive I lose sight of the one need that will fulfill all others....my need for communing with God, to bask in His presence, and be reminded of His love and promises.  No other "pursuit" or "accomplishment" or "business" can supply the security, comfort, and most of all peace like being still and being in His presence.  I wonder why it is so difficult for most of us to be still, why we have to constantly be striving for something, never really feeling fulfilled in any of our own endeavors.

Even being slowed down by Lyme I find it difficult to be still both with God and for the sake of my health.  Its not easy especially when we live in a world that gets faster and faster and expects us to keep up or be "voted" off. Survival of the fittest. And we live in a world that expects instantaneous results with microwaves and phones that do everything at our fingertips and we get frustrated when it things don't "download" fast enough.  Reminds me of the playground the thing that went round and round. The faster it went the more difficult it was to hang on...sometimes you fell off because you couldn't keep a grasp of the medal bar and/or because it was so crowded.  

If I had to choose to go back to being busy life, (striving to accomplish to be useful and productive, running around with my head cut off, too busy for any relationship except the ones that helped in my hecticness), and the life I am currently living with Lyme disease where things are slower but not by choice,....I choose to live green!  Its not easy being green, as quoted by a beloved frog, but in this slowere pace of things I am able to see that the only thing that will fill my needs is God and I yearn to seek Him, live for Him, and know Him more.  Its all that matters in this life that He gave me.  So much easier said then done but easier to realize and aim for when things are not on the merry-go-round going hundred miles an hour out of control.  I am thankful for a disease that allowed me the time to realize and learn the things God has shown me. I am thankful that I have a God that doesn't leave me the way He found me.  I am thankful that He is still working on me....in so many ways.  Church in bed...its a wonderful thing.