For the first time in over three months I feel led to blog. A lot has happened in three months. They have been the toughest months in this journey yet and yet I wouldn't give them up for all the gold in the world. It would take me pages and pages to catch the blog up on the last 3 months on exactly what has happened and my old type A self really wants to but my new self is what is heavy right now and is what has led me to write tonight.
I don't know where to begin and probably won't make sense to anyone but want so badly to capture what is going on inside. I don't want to lose any of it. I forget most things. I don't remember most things. I see names on facebook and know I knew them in high school but thats it. I get things so mixed up all the time and don't remember day to day things. We have a saying in our house, "you've been Lymed". But what I'm experiencing I so don't want to forget or let go or lose. Its been something going on for a while but appears to be working in over drive today.
Lyme has caused my life to come to a halt. It was gradual at first and I fought it so badly, especially as we didn't get answers and doctor after doctor told us I was "normal" (no one is normal, by the way) and so I went on with life. The last 3 months were another notch in the slowing down meter. Didn't think it could happen but it did and I know now it could happen some more. Each time the notch is turned down God shows me something new. I'm not making sense and its not coming out like it is in my head. Basically, when you jump, or are pushed off, of the merry-go-round of life some things are clearer, including the voice of God. The world looks different off of the merry-go-round then when you are on it. Without going into it, I personally prefer the slower life. I am at the mercies of my savior for everything, everything. There isn't words to describe it really. I dropped the girls off at church tonight and came home and there is an internal struggle because there is just enough strength to do something but no near enough to do anything great (i.e. laundry, clean house, anything that needs to be done). So, I stand in the middle of the house and wonder what to do. I don't like to just do something to do just do something not that I can and get to do a whole lot anyway. I took Becka to gymnastics Friday for the first time in weeks and have 3 1/2 hours to sit there. My mind (the old self) immediately goes to "what can I get done while I'm sitting there"....Ms. Efficiency. I start running through things in my head like organize documents for taxes, grade papers for the girls schooling, etc...things in my mind that "need" to be done, right? But inside there is a nudge that says, "no". What? But they need to be done and for once in the last 3 months I have a smidgen of strength. Why not? But I have learned to listen to that nudge. It means its my plan, not His. Tonight was no different. I look to do something. Don't we all? Always looking to fill our time with something. Never just being still. Thats the thing....I think being busy is a disease. But the good news is there is a cure. The sad news is, if you don't take it, the alternative may not be curable.
I have felt extremely useless especially in the last 3 months. Lump on the log has never had as much meaning as it has in these months. But I believe these have been months of extreme make over. When you get off, or are pushed off, the merry-go-round, its amazing what your eyes are open to when the spinning stops. You can look around you and the colors and people around you are no longer blurred. Its incredible and you wonder how you ever got on the merry-go-round to begin with.
I was in the cardiologists office because I have had difficulty breathing since mid January and mid February we were told by doctor that she thought we were "slipping in and out of heart failure". So, we saw a cardiologist who orders all these tests. I was a bit frustrated to have to see yet another doctor, go through tests, dread the words "normal" leaving us under a lyme green umbrella with the rain pouring all around us. So, here I am sitting in this office waiting for a chemical stress test. There were 4 clients and 4 professionals. One gentlemen was sitting to my right and I hadn't looked right at him but just heard and seen him through my peripheral and my stereotypes had kicked in based on what he allowed everyone to hear and what my peripherals saw. We got to the end of the tests and it was just he and I in the waiting room and he spoke to me, struggling with what had been injected into us. I looked up and now I saw this man. I shared I was struggling with it as well. We both shared we had done the treadmill in the past and would prefer to do it in the future. He shared he did this every year. Something in me prodded to ask why but I felt it was nosey but I asked him why had a screening each year and he shared that he had a heart attack four years ago...the anniversary of it being the next day. I was amazed at how this man, older then me, was just talking to me. Not bragging, not whiny, not complaining, just sharing, as if ...friends maybe. It was incredible. I shared about a man in our church who just found out about his carotic arteries. He then kept talking saying he really didn't understand why he was blessed to still be here today. He paused and then he said maybe did....that it was to help his wife who had died four months ago. At the mention of this I lost all words...not that I had many to begin with. I am not a social girl. I usually end up putting my foot in my mouth. It definitely not a gift. I said I was sorry to hear that. He said she fought a good fight of cancer. He said the funny thing was he wouldn't be here if it weren't for her that she is the reason he survived the heart attack. I'm in aw at this moment. The strength in this man's voice. I can't place the words to describe how he talked. At this time the tech came to get me for my final images which I thought was bad timing.....here this man shares his heart with me (ironic...we are there for heart tests) and then I have to get up and go. I laid in the chair with the machine whirring around me just staring up at the ceiling praying for this man. I didn't know his name at the time, and didn't know if he knew God. I didn't even know what to pray so I prayed for help to know what to pray. I still don't know it is about this man but he touched my heart. I walked out trying to contain the overflow filling my eyes and he opened the door of the waiting room for me. I was speechless except for "thank you" and "best wishes".....told you I'm not gifted with words. I walked out and lost it. I did learn his name later and have prayed and cried over this man. I was talking with one of the ladies in the doctors office who said, "there's always someone worse off then you." and it caught me, snapped me, and I replied boldly which is not like me, "its not that someone has it worse off then you but that everyone has something going on and to that person its a big deal. There's not a single person in this world that doesn't have something going, dealing with something." Why does it always have to be a competition. To say someone else has it worse is to say that what God is doing in your life is nulled, insignificant? What are you then saying about God?
I was sitting in the foyer of the hospital waiting for Chris and the girls to pick me up from that morning from doing this test and I was just watching people. I then remembered a video someone posted on facebook. Its called the Paradigm Shift (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlRK1vqcuvg). This is one of the blessings of a slower life. It has allowed me to have a conversation with a man in the heart doctors office. The old me still on the merry-go-round would probably not have had that conversation. My body language and words would have been such that would not have allowed that man in because my world was spinning out of control...I would have been too busy trying to do too many things to feel important and productive and accomplishing my plan.
I am sick, the sickest I have ever been in my life. I have been kicked off the merry-go-round and I am so glad. I don't want to get back on. I may not be able to do my own laundry or keep my own house or do most of the things the world normally does but I can still pray and I can still listen. Its all I have time for.
I got to go to church this morning. I was sitting there during communion, holding the bread. I like to pray during the each piece while its going around. I have never felt what I did today. I've always felt my prayers during communion were my words just filling up that time. Don't get me wrong, they were sincere words but just empty? This morning was filled with life. Again, I wish I could do this justice with words.. but...I found myself thanking God for every drop of oxygen given to me to make it to church and every bit of strength it took to make it to church, and for every ounce of encouragement in every form it came in (music, children, etc) and for the cooperation of my children....all given to me by Him. Then we were given the cup. I'm holding the cup and I am reminded that without Christ's blood that all those things, each breath of oxygen, strength, encouragement, cooperation...all of it wouldn't be available, possible....that would equal nothing but one big pit of despair. I am so thankful that I can at any given second go to my heavenly Father for strength, to cry out, to cling to, to laugh, to cry on, to lean on, for my next breath, for the plan of action, for a friend, for love, for a hug, for anything I need. I don't have to go through anything to get to Him. He is always with me, right here. He may not "kicked me off of the merry-go-round" but I believe He is saving me from myself through it. He is doing an extreme make over through it. Therefore I choose the slow life. I will cherish the slow life. I got the longest snuggle time with my youngest yesterday after nap. It wouldn't have happened without Lyme. I would have been off trying to knock something else off my list. I like being available to pray for people and listen and snuggle with my family. It hasn't been easy and its not going to be. But I'll take the blessings of the Lyme and the extreme make over and what God is doing with it over Him leaving me to what I was.
All this and more and then I heard this song and it put it into words for me. This is my hearts and souls cry and song. The last 3 months have been the roughest but at the same time they have been an eye opener. I think my heart is bigger (maybe thats why its struggling :-) ) and my eyes are more open (when they aren't asleep :-) ) and my family continues to grow closer together and I continue to grow closer vertically with my Father. Not all bad, right? Check out this song. Its where I'm at.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZRg-SEQJSE
