The last time I wrote was Friday and I was having a pretty good day...as good as my "good" days go. I was hoping it meant a good weekend. I had one of those several weekends ago. They are pretty nice. Unfortunately, that is not how this weekend went. Saturday, I got up and took the girls to Becka's gymnastics and just felt really crummy. I didn't realize just how crummy till we were sitting there watching Becka. I was super grumpy and edgy which told me something was up. Becka's coach even asked me if I was okay. After catching a glimpse of my face in the bathroom mirror while I was washing my hands I then understood why she asked.
We got home and I looked at Chris and said I needed to eat and do my IV and go to bed. I ate lunch in bed and slept as the IV went and I was in bed till late that afternoon when we had to get up and get ready for a graduation party. I told Chris I didn't feel good and wasn't sure I should go but I wanted to go. The daughter of the couple that led our Nearly/Newly Wed class over 13 years ago, graduated from high school. They are such dear friends and mean so much to us I wanted to show our support and excitement for them. We went and had a great time. So good to see them again! There are people in your life that when you see them its just like a breath of fresh air. As soon as we hit the car I melted into nothingness. In some ways its good to get out because it takes my mind off of how I feel but in other ways its bad because it completely wipes me out, and I was already feeling bad.
Sunday saw me in bed all day. Chris and the girls left in the morning and I spent some time with God and then just couldn't keep my head up any longer. I woke up to Chris home with the girls and Grammy and Bobo at the house with Dozier's BBQ. I did my IV, ate some brisket and went back to bed. I honestly can't say I remember last night at all at the moment.
With Saturday and Sunday going the way they did I knew today would be either worse or better. Chris normally has Mondays off but today he was in his first golf tournament playing with the other pastors so I knew he would be gone all day. I texted last night a young girl comes and helps me out Wednesday nights while Chris is at church and she couldn't help me today. So, I texted another lady that has blessed us so much and asked if she could come help me with the IV (the peripherals don't have an extension so I can't do the flushes or hook up the IV) and with lunch. I am so glad I did because I felt worse today.
Barely being able to stand being vertical, I got the girls breakfast and went back to bed. The girls brought in games and we played board games till she arrived. She brought some fresh squash from her garden and sauted it in some butter and I had that with my usual hamburger patty. She hooked me up and as soon as lunch was down I was back in bed. She stayed long enough to see the girls down for a nap. I couldn't not have done today and be happy about it without her here today.
I don't usually feel this bad all the time. I usually feel crummy and lack energy most of the time. But back at the last 3 days got me thinking. I grabbed my calendar and looked at when the first herxheimer reaction was. It was exactly 8 weeks ago. We know 4 weeks from the first weekend we probably had another herx and inbetween those there were single days that found me in bed. There is a definite pattern. In Dr. Burrascano's paper he mentions there will be a cyclic pattern of the herxheimer reaction with each one becoming less and less severe. Nothing has been as bad as the first herxheimer and even as bad as it was, its not near what I have read about other people's herxheimer reactions. Either I am a strong person or I am a blessed woman. I believe it to be the latter of the two.
So, putting the pattern in combination with the symptoms (extreme nausea, headache, aches and hurting in key area....my key areas, legs that are wobbly weak as if they won't hold me up, no appetite, and a complete inept feeling of being vertical) convinces me this is a herxheimer reaction. As I layed in bed this afternoon, frustrated that I can't sleep (another symptom) I thanked God that I felt bad. I know to most that won't make since but its a sign that the bacteria is dying...not me thanking God but that I feel this bad. And as I type this I had the thought that I/we should be thanking God for the "rough" times we have because it means God is at work in our lives. I have read in my Lyme books that if you are feeling better or worse that its a good thing because it means the treatment is working. Isn't that true for our walk with God? If there is improvement (in the amount/quality of time we spend with God which will improve our thoughts, walk and talk) that is good and if there are struggles that is good to because its through the struggles that you know God hasn't left your side but He is refining you. If you're not improving and you aren't going through stuggles then you are staying the same and that isn't good because none of us has reached the point where we don't need help and improvement any longer. Again, if you don't have a relationship with God this won't make sense but if you do then you probably grasp what I am trying to say.
Since I cheated on my diet for my birthday, the food temptings have been horrible. It is mentally exhausting as I play over in my head many, many times a day why or why I shouldn't have something I'm not supposed to have. Again, it can be symbolic of other temptations in our lives....its just my strongest ones are food related right now :) Its amazing how we can justify and talk ourselves into seeing it in such a way that we convince ourselves that something that really isn't good for us really is good for us. Okay, so I have way too much time on my hands to think. I have always been philosophical and analytical compliments of my Dad :)
Though this herxheimer reaction is a good thing it does have its costs especially this one. Maddie starts a dance camp tomorrow and I will miss it. Grammy is going to take her and I am so sad that I won't be there. Its stuff like this that can bum me out and make me feel even more like a bump on a log. I live to see my girls do their thing. I will not do other things just so I have the energy to take them to their one activity each. I know she is in great hands. I just wanted to be a part of her first day of a dance camp at a new dance place. She is so excited!
Speaking of excited....last week I forgot to mention that with the midline coming out and a peripheral being put in top of the left hand, I got to do the girls hair for the first time in almost 3 months...not to mention my own. It only lasted for 2 days before the IV was switched to the right wrist and made more difficult to do, but it was so cool. The hands are so weak and they cramped up braiding Becka's pigtails so Maddie only got regular pigtails but the joy I felt doing my girls hair was priceless.
I am supposed to go tomorrow and have the IV switched out again. I am hoping it doesn't take 4 pricks to get one to work and am hoping that the next one goes in a spot that allows me to braid some more piggies. This time next week we will meet with the Lyme doctor and hopefully get some answers on the IV. At this point I still feel it could any direction. For now, I am thankful for the little things and am still taking it one day at a time.
