Thats what today is here in Simonton. I like rainy days especially if there is rolling thunder involved. No thunder today but a nice steady rain.
For most people this type of day causes dreary moods and I wouldn't say it causes me dreary moods but I do feel so out of sorts today. Unsettled. I decided Saturday that I wouldn't take any more pain meds starting today. Maybe its a withdrawl from them I don't know. I just feel out of sorts. I don't feel well enough to be a part of the life going on around me but not yucky enough to attach myself to my bed all day. I had high hopes (problem number one) of feeling so much better then I do by today. I almost feel like I'm catching a cold...that kind of yucky, run down feeling. I know some of it has to be not having a full diet going again. My stomach has not been happy since we got home. If its not nauseated then its growling at me meanly. Nothing really sounds good and I am so fearful of eating anything "real". Yogurt, applesauce and oatmeal are my staples right now. I had some ritz crackers yesterday midafternoon to help the nausea but my stomack got upset shortly after I ate 5 or 6 of them.
No telling. Just like being out of sorts and not being able to do a whole lot about it. The girls went over to a friends house this morning to play and Chris has been working on the Honda to get the AC working again and then he has been working on camp stuff this afternoon. Just feels like everyone has something to do. I'm ready to join the land of the living and be a productive mom and wife again. I don't like the middle ground.
I sent an email last night to Dr. Salvato briefly sharing with her what happened last week (since Dr. Farrow said he hadn't been in contact with her) and asked her what the treatment plan was after this Saturday when our last dose of IV med is done. I am anxiously awaiting to learn if the midline will be pulled or kept in. I need to hand this over to God along with the way I am feeling today. There is an internal struggle between wanting to get excited at getting off of the cefotaxime, which might be causing the edginess and grumpiness and short fuse which would mean not IV (YAHOO!! both arms and hands back) and not wanting the IV meds to cease since its the best defense at killing the bacteria and getting over this disease. I am feeling physically and emotionally drained....but not spiritually drained. I need to hand it over to Him who knows all and is in control of all.
Taking it one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time. There is a sense of relief when 9:00 p.m. comes around and I know I have made it through one more day both physically and mentally, and hopefully with little damage done to the hubby and kiddos or family and friends. So ready to be self sufficient again....scary! We weren't made to be self sufficient, only God reliant. Okay, so I want to be fully God reliant but able to do more without other human help.
God willing I will experience that again. Till then, I need to be content and resting in Him and where I am today. So much easier said then done some days....whether its a rainy day or a Monday.
