The bad news is I'm having one of my bad days. The good news is I'm having one of my bad days. Chris and I feel this is another herx. It fits the cycle and the symptoms of low grade temperature, shakiness, achiness, nausea and over all yucky feeling. I have been down for the majority of the day. The good news is the good days are out numbering the bad days. Meaning, there are fewer and fewer days in the last month that I have had that I felt bad enough to be in bed. Could be a good thing or a bad. It could be that I am just so fed up of not feeling well that I am stubborn and won't slow down or it could be that I can tolerate the bad days better. I'm hoping that my low CD-57 number is not due to stubborness to rest and be strict to the Lyme diet.
Right now I am typing as my children eat. The smell of the chicken killed my appetite and I can't bring myself to eat. My heart is also broken as within minutes of each other I received a text inquiring if I am going to help with Bible Drill this year and a call from a dear friend that is very distraught over some medical news regarding her husband. My heart aches as the Fall approaches (things start up in 2 weeks) and Chris and I have discussed that I will do good if I can school the girls and get them to their activities. We both feel I shouldn't do anything else. Please keep in mind that it was very evident to both of us (which is rare) that God wants us to homeschool again this year and he provided which curriculum we are to use. To my surprise it is ordered and has arrived and we will actually begin school (hopefully..I'm running about 3 weeks behind when I want to start things...still can't plan a whole lot) when most people do. I also have a great peace that I am not to do anything in addition to the above but it still pains my heart not to be more involved in life and helping out. I hate that, due to my health, I am unreliable, a trait I so loved about myself and so lack now.
But what has sent the tears flowing and my heart breaking is my dear friends call. If this were 2 days ago I would have been over to her place in a heart beat to provide a shoulder to cry on or at least provide a hug. Its killing me to not feel well enough and feel I have the strength to load the girls in the car and head over to her house to be of some comfort. To hear her on a message share news they got today about her husbands health just broke my heart. This is a dear friend that has helped us out so much and loved on us so much and has had such a sweet touch on my family's life. I fell apart when I heard the message and my first thoughts were "why can't I feel better" and "this isn't fair in so many ways" and "I'm so tired of not feeling well and not being active in the lives of others besides my own". My heart is truly broken!
Its days like this where I feel I'm being sat on while the rest of the world is spinning on without me. I know this is not the case but it is so difficult, especially now with no IV to truly force me down, to lay low and not be going. If I'm not feeling like I do today, I am going with my list in my head of things I want to accomplish. I usually accomplish only one thing but its better then none. I have seen a change in some things, some for the better, but most for the worse. I experienced something new today while trying to sleep (which I usually can't nap on days I am herxing) that was disturbing. The first time was just my face tightening up in one of my muscle spasms. I just don't usually have them in the face. After that I would be jolted awake by what felt like a balloon "POPPING!" in my head. After the 5th and worse one I decided not to close my eyes again. I hope my sleeping med I take at night will over ride what ever is going on. During a herx we never know what things are and why. We just chalk it up to being in a herx. A herx in itself is a good thing and they had gotten less painful and strong but still land me in bed, but for less days. I wish I was done with this journey and yet I don't as I know God is still working in and through it and I have seen several things He is working on in me. I have been uncomfortable in my "new" freedom of no IV. Its easier when you don't have a choice then when you do and you have the responsibility to choose wisely or correctly. Have I been spoiled to be having more "better" days than "bad" days and so on a day like today I'm quick to yell "unfair" when I can't do what I want to do? I just wish I could be as much a blessing to others as they have been to us. I feel extremely in debt in matters of the heart and blessings. I would rather my bucket of giving be pouring out rather then my bucket of receiving being over flowing. I'm yearning to be in the game at the same time I don't feel ready to be in the game. Am I all mixed up because of the herx? To bad I can't sleep the next couple days away till the herx is gone. I may drive and me and the other in my household crazy before this is all over.
I have never felt so prayed for in all my life and at the same time never felt so overwhelmed at the number of prayers that are on my heart for others. I have sick friends, sick marriages, troubled families, lost families, friends with sick loved ones, and a whole lot of hurting people. And yet I ask, "is there anyone that isn't hurting?" My heart continues to break at the answer. I once asked someone why I have insight and/or intuition and/or why my hearts aches so for someone when I can't physically do anything to help them. I was told that it is then that we are being called to intercede for that person through prayer. I am very thankful that no matter how bad I feel physically, or how weak I feel physically, or how not able my body is, I can still pray. The body is weak but the spirit is strong. I will continue to pray. I may not be able to intercede physically, but I can intercede spiritually.
