Who Is That Woman?

So today we had pictures taken for a pictoral directory for our church. Wouldn't you know it I have been down since Saturday afternoon with what is probably a herx. Started not feeling well Friday but it really kicked into gear Saturday and I just kept pushing it not wanting to go down. Yesterday had an appointment with the cardiologist and so I pushed it again yesterday when I really should have been down. Its the headaches and nausea which is usually part of a herx and I'm hoping its a herx and not a December repeat. I'm a bit nervous about that. We backed off of the Topamax that helps prevent the headaches in hopes of gaining some weight but if this winds up not being a herx a dive downward then we will have to go back up on the Topamax and I'm afraid the appetite I just so recently gained back will go away. Its such a vicious cycle and feels like such a delicate balance.
So, we have these pictures scheduled for today. One thing we have learned with Lyme, especially in the last 16 months of treatment is not to schedule things because we don't know from day to day how I will feel.  But some things can't be avoided altogether.  Today was a killer and I took migraine med on top of migraine med trying to make it, trying to fight and push my way through.  If there is something I have also learned to do thanks to Lyme, its fight and push through....sometimes to my detriment though. I was laying in bed this morning thinking, "all you have to do is show up, take a few shots and then come back to bed,"...and then I realized "shots" = flashes...migraines worst enemy. I did what I do best and fought my way through it. But I wasn't prepared for what I saw....or who I saw.
I dressed our family up in the outfits we wore for a special occasion this last December (I felt crummy then too, but I think I looked ten times better) when we took Madilyn to the nutcracker for her birthday. I don't have much that fits anymore and I barely got by wearing this today. I would have rather put the family in something springy and colorful but I don't have anything that fits....literally. Some would say they would love to have this problem (I've heard it already) but I beg to differ. Though I've been tempted to try on the wedding dress to see if I'm that small or smaller, and have enjoyed seeing the waist line shrink, its not a nice shrink and when you go from clothes fitting to nothing in the closet, not even underwear (sorry for the personal) fitting it becomes a challenge, and it happened under 6 months. Now, as much as I would like to keep most of it off, I don't know what will happen so I'm not about to go out and by a whole new closet complete with the essentials of clothes, only for Lyme to throw me another loop and I blow up the other direction.
So I had us dressed in clothes that had a special meaning, so I thought, though they were wintery, though dressy, but I didn't feel well at all. Lesson #1: Don't have pictures taken when you have a splitting headache and have taken a ton of migraine medication just to help you function enough to get to the photo shoot.
The other thing, besides clothes and headaches I was battling with was my hair. Since December my hair has taken on a new attitude of its own. It literally looks to me as if someone took a frying pan and fried my hair. To add to matters I have had some kind of reaction to something since March and have fought what appears to be acne all over my head which has moved down my neck and on to my back but it itches and the more I itch the oilier my scalp gets. So I have oily fried hair that no matter how hard I try to straighten it bunches up and since it falls out its thin on the ends.  Its just a wreck. Its not my hair.
I tried to not let any of this discourage me going into this appointment today. People, including my husband, said how beautiful I looked but I didn't feel "beautiful" one iota but I tried to let their compliments sink in and replace what I felt.
It wasn't until we looked at the proofs that I really was shocked. I was staring at a woman I really didn't recognize at all. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't think she fit with the man or the two girls. She didn't look like Chris' wife and she sure didn't look like those girls mother. It was an awful feeling. I just didn't recognize her at all. Normally, you find one pose or picture you like but this woman just didn't belong at all.
I really wanted to buy a tri picture with the husband and wife in the middle and a picture of each daughter on each side. We went through the process of picking through the pictures. There was a gorgeous picture of my husband and one of each of my beautiful girls that showed their personalities. But I couldn't get past any picture with the woman. I got thinking about the tri picture and thought, "every time I look at that picture I'm going to remember this day and this time in our lives" and I'm not sure I want to memorialize it with that much money and in this way.  The man pushed for the sale and when I explained he said I should look at it from a different way that when I look at the picture I should think of all that God has brought me through.  I have thought of that all afternoon and have wondered if I am too negative again. But I explained to him in response that I would rather spend that kind of money on a photo shoot after I am well, one that I can enjoy and have fun with family as a celebratory photo shoot and hang that on the wall to show what God has done then to have today hanging on my wall.  I don't want that strange woman in my house, on my wall, standing with my husband and my children....though I know she is day to day....I know some day she will be kicked out and the real Elizabeth will step forward and will regain her role as wife and mom in this house.  
We did get a free 8X10 of the family and that will be all we need to remember this time in our lives. To look at it will be haunting enough. I look forward to the day I can replace or accompany it with the "VICTORY" picture.
For those that don't know, which is most if you don't talk to us on a daily basis, I walked out of our last Lyme appointment more encouraged then I ever have. For the first time I have a peace about "if" I will go into remission where up until now I questioned it....it felt out of grasp.  The question now is "when" and I try not to hang on that for only God knows when. In talking to the Lyme doctor she emphasized the length of treatment which basically told me to hang in there, hold on. She also made the comment that she felt Lyme was more difficult to treat then Cancer and HIV.  For the first time I felt affirmed in my frustrations.  She did point out that our last two Lyme tests both had positive bands but that the bands were different on both tests showing that different antibodies were being exposed. This was encouraging. She ran the usual tests...sort of. The Lyme test this month came back with no bands on top and one band on bottom, and for some reason the CD-57 test was not run. I think this was an oversight on someones part and for some reason I was okay with it. She did test ATP and it was 48 which is the highest it has been. It was last in the 20's. I took this as encouragement and progress. We don't see her again until mid July and tests will be done again then. Though progress is not leaps and bounds, its still progress and as long as we are making some type of progress I am encouraged.  The body is tired and weak and the mind is weary but the spirit is strong and I will continue to fight.  I've got to so I can kick that woman out of the picture and regain my position, my role in my family :-)