Mother's Day

I am home today not feeling well physically but feeling over whelmed spiritually.  If I stay home on a Sunday morning I try to spend my own quiet time with God or I sleep.  Today, being Mother's Day, I really wanted to go to church and be with my girls in church but the body didn't allow that today.  So, I went back to bed and picked up a book called, "Let Go" by Fenelon. A sweet lady at church lent it to me. I am over whelmed with how well it speaks to me and what God has been doing with me in the last several weeks. It says to only read one chapter a day but I couldn't get enough and just kept reading. I then began to crave a song by Glad...some song from their Acapella album. It just kept playing over and over in my head. I grabbed my laptop and looked for it in my Itunes and couldn't find it. I then thought of Jim Brickman.  My dad gave me a cd he compiled and there is a song by Jim Brickman call, "Israel" that hits me deep for some reason. Piano music has such a deep effect on me. It can reach the inner most of my being.  I then thought of last Sunday in church how the piano music that morning was just so "powerful" to me.  I felt compelled to write our pianist a thank you for blessing me that morning. So, while listening to Jim Brickman's "Grace" album, I wrote her.  I am so moved this morning! I have been so blown away in the last several months by God's over whelming grace and love and blessings.  At home I can cry and blubber as I worship and not worry about mascara running, not having kleenex and worrying about the snot running down my face, and worrying then the reaction from other people as they see me cry.  Its often misunderstood as I am struggling but most of the times its because I am just moved and over whelmed by Him.  When the spirit moves, my eyes leak. Its a good thing. Sometimes though, my most intimate times with Him are at home, when no one else is here and I sit in quiet without any distractions...just me and God. He doesn't care what I'm wearing or what my face will look like after He and I are done communing.
I believe todays tears, as I listen to hymns and type this, are tears of overwhelming awe-ness....if thats not a word, it is now in my vocabulary. There just aren't any words to describe how I feel about my God.  I have had a relationship with him for over 18 years and I had heard of people being "in love" with him. I "knew" my God and I knew He was so real but it never seemed to travel down to my heart.  I knew I was missing something. I didn't doubt Him or my faith for He has made Himself so real to me but there was this shield up that wouldn't let Him penetrate any further than my brain.  Today my heart is over flowing with love for my Savior.  His blessings are so numerous.  He has brought me to a point in the last several weeks where I can say I am glad I have Lyme and that it is well with my soul.  I surrender to Him to do with me and use me as He wishes.  This surrender does not come easily and doesn't make the disease easy or fun or comfortable. However, it does make it easier because I'm not fighting it any longer. I'm not fighting Him any longer, wanting to control it my way and angry that my life isn't what I had planned. Its not about me or what I want or what I had planned. Its been difficult letting go of my idea for my life. I never wanted my girls to have to grow up with a sick mom. But my heart has let go and is trusting in my God and not in myself. This will be a daily surrender and it will be challenged daily.
God has taught me so much in the last several months. When they put the IV in the right arm I came to terms that I couldn't do things on my own any longer. I have tried for my entire life to do things on my own and as the disease progressed I became more and more frustrated that I wasn't doing things like I wanted them done, on my time, in my way...being independent. It wasn't till the IV was put in the right arm,that I finally came to the realization I had been doing this and that I could no longer try to do things on my own. I surrendered. I fell to my knees and surrendered.  I recognized I had been trying to do life without Him, only calling on Him when my efforts weren't working, as if I was bigger then He is.
Throughout this last year and a half God has been teaching me about relationships.  People are His hands and feet.  He didn't design us to live without each other.  After learning I needed help, He then began teaching me I needed to ask for help. Yuck! I have spent many a months frustrated that we didn't get help. People knew I was sick and struggling but very few helped us. God showed me, and eventually us, that we needed to ask for help.  Are you kidding? I am a pastor's wife, a mom, I'm supposed to have it all together. I am supposed to be ministering to others not the other way around.  Oh, the layers that needed to be shed. Along with recognizing we needed help, and that we needed to learn to ask for help, God also showed us that we had to learn to accept help no matter what. You can't choose where or who it comes from.  This wasn't as difficult to learn or accept. I had gotten to such a desperate place that any help offered was welcomed.
Our home the last two weeks has been showered with overwhelming blessings and filled with such big hearts of those helping us, but it only came when I surrendered to God and ALLOWED Him to be in control and help me.  One way he helps us or loves on us is through other people. I am so reminded of the story of the man in the flood who goes to his roof waiting to be helped by God. A boat comes and a helicopter comes and he turns them down saying that God will help him. When he dies and goes to heaven, he asks God why He didn't help him and God says, "I sent you the helicopter and the boat".  Our biggest hinderence is ourselves.
Through a disease that is so frustrating I first focused on what it had taken away from me...my piano playing, my ability to be the mom and wife I wanted to be, the things I wanted to do in the church and in life in general.  As God has worked on me this last month I know see the blessings far out weigh the losses. I am so blessed to be a mom to begin with.  I have the joy of waking up each new morning to two beautiful faces. Though I may get frustrated with them, they truly are such well behaved children with beautiful hearts.  I am so blessed to have a man who loves me and takes care of me. I hear of so many stories of a spouse leaving when the other becomes seriously ill. My man is so wonderful and loving and giving. Yes, he too is learning to not do everything himself. We are growing together!  He loves the Lord and loves people. He brings such humor into my life.  I will never forget how he is an answer to pray. In college I had heard how God's love is unconditional. I didn't understand this. I prayed God would show me his unconditional love and he put Chris into my life! I can't say enough about my man and how much I am blessed to have him in my life.
I am blessed to have Lyme. When you look at others who have had it as long as I have, they are bed ridden and wheel chair bound. God has allowed me to still function enough to homeschool my girls, but just sick enough enough to help me see what is important in my life...my family.  Laundry, clean house, and even activities at church are not more important than my family. I am blessed to feel just well enough to go watch my girls in their individual accomplishments.  I am blessed that my mind still functions enough to comprehend God's word, and to read to my children.  I am blessed to have a body that functions just enough to hold my children and snuggle and kiss and hug them.
Yes, there are material things we are blessed with like the house we live in (a total God send) but the true blessings are in the people in our lives.
There are so many "layers" God is working on me to shed and "let go". I am so blessed to have a God that invests in me, and doesn't give up and leave me where He found me. So, I am thankful for having Lyme, though its not easy being green, on the other side I will be a better person with a closer relationship with God.
This is only the tip of the ice berg on what He has shown me the last several weeks. I can't seem to get it all out in typing but if you ask me I can talk for hours on what He has been doing with us.  I am so thankful He has allowed my life to slow down so He can do some maintenance work on me and teach me, grow me, and spend time with me and teach me to listen to Him.  I can't get enough of it. Once you have experienced His peace, you will want and crave it more than anything this life can offer.
Happy Mother's Day!  Somewhere there is a mother that gave birth to you or one that raised or invested in you. You are a blessing!!! And there is a heavenly Father that loves you more than you can even fathom and He wants to bless you and show you His love! I hope you recognize you need Him, and then learn to ask Him for help, and then accept whatever He wants to do with you. It truly is a journey that will blow your mind if you slow down enough to let Him lead.