Brick Wall

I am at a low spot. A place the last couple todays, but really badly today, where I am just so sick of being sick. I'm ready to join the living. Yesterday was Father's Day and I wasn't feeling well (what's new). I felt bad that I couldn't do a whole lot and I was the worst hostess to Paux Paux and Baba. This week is VBS at church.  I have a peace that I'm not to help this year and know physically I wouldn't hold up but this is the first time in 6 years that I haven't helped in some capacity at VBS.  There was a small part of me looking forward to some time home alone. I started making lists of things I could do as if I had all the energy in the world. I took the girls this morning and it was killing me not to be a part of it. I am not a "drop my kids off" kind of mom.  I was walking out and saw a family just standing in the gym with two little girls and I asked them if I could help them.  Mom didn't say a whole lot but handed me a printed copy of their registration. I told her I would take the girls where they needed to be.  I recognized one of the girls as being in Maddie's new sunday school class.  I got them to their classes (after mixing up one of their names-thanks Lyme).  This is me, helping.  I have recognized in the last several months that one of Becka's gifts is "helping".  This morning I see we have it in common.  We both love to help so much that it can come across as being over bearing or controlling.  A big "ah ha" moment for me this morning.
But what I wasn't expecting was to break down when I got home.  My heart is yearning to be at church doing, helping, being involved, loving on some kids, teaching them about God.  Its moments like this weekend and today where I just hit a the wall called, "I don't understand this" and I turn around and hit the wall called, "I'm so sick of being sick".  I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a purpose and a reason for this Lyme.  Most days now I can embrace it make light of it but there are days like today where I am back to hating this disease so bad it hurts.
This weekend Chris and I were challenged by someone on whether this is Lyme and that we weren't seeing the right doctor.  This infuriated me so much.  I kept having a reoccurring thought, "You are either with me, or against me".  And if you stand against me, then you are against my God as well.  The way it was done was not at all supporting and what Chris and I need right now  is support and not judgment, whether you agree or disagree with the disease or its treatment.  This, again, is where I get so frustrated because people don't understand Lyme.  Its not like any other disease and instead of reading and trying to learn what they can about it they take the opinions of others as fact and turn around and judge and criticize others.  I was treated as if Chris and I haven't spent hours upon hours researching this disease, not to mention the years spent going from doctor to doctor with everything its not, but then testing positive for Lyme.
I was so frustrated by the "challenge" and the emotions were raging. I was texting a friend and there was picture in my head of me hanging and clinging to a vine, hanging off of a cliff and I am being pelted by things and I'm afraid I'm going to lose my grasp and fall.  As I was texting my friend this I realized my picture was all wrong.  I needed to be picturing myself in the hands of God, being held by His mighty arms and hands, and Him sheltering me from the things being thrown at me.  As I changed the picture in my head, the emotions raging inside ceased and I calmed down.  I grabbed my bible and spent some time in the word and I prayed.
I am so thankful for the friends I have that support us unconditionally.  The one I was texting yesterday sent me a scripture. I didn't get it till this morning but it ministered to my heart so much.  That is what Chris and I need. We need people to unconditionally love and support us even they don't understand or agree or get what is going on with us.  We won't always understand what God is doing.  We are to simply look to Him and trust and obey Him. Trusting and obeying isn't always easy. I know I'm not supposed to be at VBS this week.  I have a peace about it but I don't get it. I don't understand why. But its not about understanding why.
I remember a lesson I learned a year ago when God told me not to pre-register the girls for preschool.  I didn't understand why.  I knew if I didn't they wouldn't have a spot come Fall.  I questioned and I questioned it, trying to understand it. Because I didn't understand why I went ahead and signed them up. As soon as the forms and money left my hand, I knew I had disobeyed.  The packet came that summer with more forms to fill out and turn in and I literally could not open them or look at them.  Chris and I talked about them over and over, trying to justify anything and everything. It came down to the deadline and Chris and I came down to this one simple truth: Just obey.  Its wasn't for us to understand or figure out.  The preschool didn't understand either.  Later that summer God called us to homeschool and to start homeschooling that year, putting Becka in Kindergarten a year earlier then the rest of her peers.  I would have never imagined or planned on doing that.  Most of the time when God is telling us to do something, we will respond, "are you crazy?". Most of the time He calls us to do something that we could have never planned or imagined doing because we know we can't do it.  Most of the time God calls us to do things we can't do with our own strength because He wants us to rely on Him, trust Him, so that He is glorified in the end, not us. So, most of the time we don't understand why He is telling us to do something or why we are going through something.
I don't know why I am going through Lyme and why we have the doctor we have and why her office is a pain to deal with and why.....the list goes on.  But I will cling....no, I will try to rest in His arms as the things of life are pelting me and I will trust and obey the one that has be covered. This is what I will rest in this week as I am getting to do what I planned and wanted to do. It won't be easy but following Him isn't easy because it means we have to give up our plan and follow His, whether we understand or agree or not.  Trust and obey.
So, I will blow my nose and figure out what I am supposed to do with this time on my hands and this body that is weak. I guess a good place to start is some quiet time with Him.
Please be in prayer with me about our doctor's appointment tomorrow.  Chris will not be going with me but my mother-in-law will be there with me.  We need answers. Pray for Gods discernment and direction for all involved.