After experiencing yesterday I am pretty convinced we had another herx. Like the first herx we experienced, there are days of yuckiness and then a day where you feel the herx was never around...literally the difference is like day and night. Yesterday, I am so happy to report, was one of my better days. I didn't wake up exhausted and I didn't hurt like I have this last week around the herx (which can be part of a herx). At 3:00 p.m. I began to yawn and show signs of exhaustion but I didn't start my day off already exhausted and thats how it has been particularly since the surgery. It was really nice. I looked at Chris and said, "you know, I'm having a pretty good day". We are always scared to say that, especially on a Friday because of the added antibiotic on the weekend but it really was a pretty good day. I also got laundry washed and put away by Wednesday night (I wash on Mondays) and that felt great especially since Monday was spent in bed as part of the herx.
Today hasn't been bad, I've just felt more tired and worn out than I did yesterday but friends of ours from Cypress came down and hung with us for several hours and that was great. It was so good to see them and talk with them and watch the kids play. Her kids have grown so much. We haven't seen them since Becka's baptism last November so it was really nice to just hang out with them today.
We have an appointment with the Lyme doc on Monday morning at 9:00. She may or may not run the labs again. Yesterday when I was having such a good day I thought several times, "I wonder if the CD-57 has gone up". Its scary to have thoughts like that because we know that track record is that those days are rare and you don't "expect" anything to continue...you just enjoy the good day and are thankful for that day.
Again, we are going into this appointment with some questions. One of our questions is my concern for my right arm, particularly the right shoulder. It is hurting pretty close to what it was before we saw the natural health doctor, which was pretty bad. Mobility is limited mostly due to it being "tied up" with the IV for almost 4 months but the joint pain goes back to over a year ago when the chiropractor took xrays and had MRI's done on both shoulders because they were bothering me so bad. At that time we were still chasing things and didn't know it was Lyme. One of the first indicators that what was going on was systemic and not just my hand was when the x-rays came back indicating bone on bone equally on each shoulder. Once we started seeing the natural health doctor a lot of the pain I was in (which was daily and pretty bad) the pain got under control. But since, we have had and IV in that arm and are not longer seeing the natural health doctor due to cost, time and energy. As I am experiencing the pain again I begin to wonder if the damage to the joints by the Lyme bacteria is permanent and if so does this mean future surgeries to "mend" the damage done by the bacteria. This is an overwhelming thought that leads to a "never ending" feeling but usually I stop the thought with, "nope, not going there because we are taking this day by day and no matter what happens my God is in control and is with me through it and will be what it will be". But it is one of our questions. I do worry that I won't get everything back that we have lost to this disease, including the ability to play piano again.
Something else I have noticed is spurts of change in the memory that I can't explain but am hoping its a sign things are changing for the good. For example, I've noticed that the last couple days (which I find interesting and note that it during a herx time) I am been scrambling for whatever I can to write on the things floating randomly through my brain in an effort to catch them before they flee away because I don't make a visual reminder that I had the thought I may never remember it again. I don't remember (that may be part of the problem...I say with some humor) doing that a week ago as badly....that I had gone a little while (how long, I can't say...again with some humor) without using my stickies in my purse or by my bed or in the kitchen to write down fleeting thoughts.
I am in the midst of trying to organize the girls curriculum. The curriculum we are using this year is different and more involved but I am so excited that we are doing it. I am a little apprehensive about it because it is more involved, thus it will require a little more effort on my part and I worry if I will have the strength and stamina. I felt like we spent so much of last year in survival mode after we finally figured out what was going on with me. It was a rough year with homeschooling due to the changes in me. With new curriculum this year I have been trying to get aquainted with it and trying to get a feel, especially for Becka (2nd grade) what each day will entail. It is taking more time, and stickies, to do this because I don't retain what I have looked at to piece together with the next thing I look at. So, what would probably take a normal person 1 hour to do, takes me at least 10 times that. So, in that regards we don't see improvement. I am still unable to focus on one thing, literally, at a time. Example, again, is listening to a DVD last night on Becka's new spelling component. It was running and I couldn't make out what was being said, mentally. After struggling for about 10 minutes, I stopped it, grabbed my ear phone and stuck both in the ears and started the darn thing over. With no other stimuli going in auditorally I was able to focus and grasp what was being said. It is very frustrating but I am getting better and better at recognizing what is going and therefore able to sometimes lower the frustration. Other times I'm not able to like when I am doing one girl's hair and the other is asking me questions, or even just standing next to me talking endlessly (see if you can figure out one that is...I say with humor) the frustration level rises quickly as I am easily over stimulated. To much demand on the system causes it to malfunction...thats the best way to put it. Fuses were blown oh so many times long before we had a diagnosis. I still can get frustrated but I am trying to help the girls understand how to help me. They don't get it and don't understand but we are all trying. I felt so bad Tuesday evening as I realized I had completely forgotten to take Maddie to dance that morning. The brain just doesn't register the day, and things that are regular routine, much less the things that aren't routine. I have since activated the calendar app on my phone to send me an alert the night before and 2 hours before Maddie's dance class. My mind and memory is one thing I have lost to Lyme that I hope I get back...said with no humor and all seriousness.
Praise God for the good days and pray heavily for grace and strength to get through the other days.
One thing we are looking forward to is having the youth over Sunday, August 22nd for WBS- Waffles, Bacon and swimming. Of course this is after their back-to-school bash that night at youth. It is things like this that Chris and I love and feel passionate about doing. These type of things at our house is our niche. I have recruited 3 other ladies, 4 waffle irons and 3 griddles to see the youth get fed that night and have one last night of hanging out before school starts the next day...for everyone, including my girls. It actually bummed me out today thinking about next week being our last week of the summer to be "lazy". This will be the earliest school has started at our house...at least that is when its planned to start...said with humor....as I think about most things I try to plan right now runs at least 3 weeks behind. God willing and the mind doesn't fail me it will start. I will be flat out exhausted after Sunday nights wet, sugary bacon event but it will definitely be worth it and I so look forward to it.
So, people have been asking, "are you getting better?", or "do you see a difference?" and that is a difficult question because some things are better and some are worse. Wait a month and it they switch. Things aren't staying the same, and thats supposed to be a good sign. It will be nice when there isn't anything left to get worse or better. Thats what I am shooting and longing for but I am waiting on the Lord for that day.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
All Mixed UP
The bad news is I'm having one of my bad days. The good news is I'm having one of my bad days. Chris and I feel this is another herx. It fits the cycle and the symptoms of low grade temperature, shakiness, achiness, nausea and over all yucky feeling. I have been down for the majority of the day. The good news is the good days are out numbering the bad days. Meaning, there are fewer and fewer days in the last month that I have had that I felt bad enough to be in bed. Could be a good thing or a bad. It could be that I am just so fed up of not feeling well that I am stubborn and won't slow down or it could be that I can tolerate the bad days better. I'm hoping that my low CD-57 number is not due to stubborness to rest and be strict to the Lyme diet.
Right now I am typing as my children eat. The smell of the chicken killed my appetite and I can't bring myself to eat. My heart is also broken as within minutes of each other I received a text inquiring if I am going to help with Bible Drill this year and a call from a dear friend that is very distraught over some medical news regarding her husband. My heart aches as the Fall approaches (things start up in 2 weeks) and Chris and I have discussed that I will do good if I can school the girls and get them to their activities. We both feel I shouldn't do anything else. Please keep in mind that it was very evident to both of us (which is rare) that God wants us to homeschool again this year and he provided which curriculum we are to use. To my surprise it is ordered and has arrived and we will actually begin school (hopefully..I'm running about 3 weeks behind when I want to start things...still can't plan a whole lot) when most people do. I also have a great peace that I am not to do anything in addition to the above but it still pains my heart not to be more involved in life and helping out. I hate that, due to my health, I am unreliable, a trait I so loved about myself and so lack now.
But what has sent the tears flowing and my heart breaking is my dear friends call. If this were 2 days ago I would have been over to her place in a heart beat to provide a shoulder to cry on or at least provide a hug. Its killing me to not feel well enough and feel I have the strength to load the girls in the car and head over to her house to be of some comfort. To hear her on a message share news they got today about her husbands health just broke my heart. This is a dear friend that has helped us out so much and loved on us so much and has had such a sweet touch on my family's life. I fell apart when I heard the message and my first thoughts were "why can't I feel better" and "this isn't fair in so many ways" and "I'm so tired of not feeling well and not being active in the lives of others besides my own". My heart is truly broken!
Its days like this where I feel I'm being sat on while the rest of the world is spinning on without me. I know this is not the case but it is so difficult, especially now with no IV to truly force me down, to lay low and not be going. If I'm not feeling like I do today, I am going with my list in my head of things I want to accomplish. I usually accomplish only one thing but its better then none. I have seen a change in some things, some for the better, but most for the worse. I experienced something new today while trying to sleep (which I usually can't nap on days I am herxing) that was disturbing. The first time was just my face tightening up in one of my muscle spasms. I just don't usually have them in the face. After that I would be jolted awake by what felt like a balloon "POPPING!" in my head. After the 5th and worse one I decided not to close my eyes again. I hope my sleeping med I take at night will over ride what ever is going on. During a herx we never know what things are and why. We just chalk it up to being in a herx. A herx in itself is a good thing and they had gotten less painful and strong but still land me in bed, but for less days. I wish I was done with this journey and yet I don't as I know God is still working in and through it and I have seen several things He is working on in me. I have been uncomfortable in my "new" freedom of no IV. Its easier when you don't have a choice then when you do and you have the responsibility to choose wisely or correctly. Have I been spoiled to be having more "better" days than "bad" days and so on a day like today I'm quick to yell "unfair" when I can't do what I want to do? I just wish I could be as much a blessing to others as they have been to us. I feel extremely in debt in matters of the heart and blessings. I would rather my bucket of giving be pouring out rather then my bucket of receiving being over flowing. I'm yearning to be in the game at the same time I don't feel ready to be in the game. Am I all mixed up because of the herx? To bad I can't sleep the next couple days away till the herx is gone. I may drive and me and the other in my household crazy before this is all over.
I have never felt so prayed for in all my life and at the same time never felt so overwhelmed at the number of prayers that are on my heart for others. I have sick friends, sick marriages, troubled families, lost families, friends with sick loved ones, and a whole lot of hurting people. And yet I ask, "is there anyone that isn't hurting?" My heart continues to break at the answer. I once asked someone why I have insight and/or intuition and/or why my hearts aches so for someone when I can't physically do anything to help them. I was told that it is then that we are being called to intercede for that person through prayer. I am very thankful that no matter how bad I feel physically, or how weak I feel physically, or how not able my body is, I can still pray. The body is weak but the spirit is strong. I will continue to pray. I may not be able to intercede physically, but I can intercede spiritually.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wow! Not Sure Where to Start
I haven't blogged in over a week....um, since the night before I got the IV out. When there are pauses in my blogging or communication it usually means one of three things. One, I'm doing well. Or two, I'm doing horribly or three, I'm trying to keep my head above water. Neither really is my excuse for this latest lag in blogs. I got the IV out Saturday and Chris left for youth camp the very next Monday. He was gone all week and I had a mile long list of "IV Free Things I Want To Do"...."want" might be the wrong word to use but when you have had an IV in your arm for most of the last 4 months it has a different meaning.
Needless to say, by the time Chris got home I was fried. Weeks before youth camp I was a little concerned about meals...mainly me eating because I have gotten to a point where I don't eat unless its fixed for me. Nothing ever sounds good (except the things I'm not supposed to have a.k.a. glass of milk with 6+ vanilla double stuffed oreas) and so before I know it the day has gone by and I haven't eaten. I can get the girls fed but not me. But, God is good. Before I had time to think about it more than once some ladies at church were lined up to bring us meals. I just went ahead and decided I would eat whatever was provided, whether it fit the Lyme diet or not (which has pretty much almost gone out the window since the gallbladder surgery) and that would solve my food issue.
However, there was no "cure" for the IV free syndrome that hit. I had things like "wipe down kitchen cabinets with Murphy's oil" on my list. Needless to say, its still on the list. I didn't get a whole lot done because I didn't have any energy. So, by the time Chris got home I was pretty pathetic. Yesterday and today have been the only 2 days I have made a concerted effort to "tame" my freedom not that I have a whole lot to work with. Basically, I have tried to reduce the up and downs and the trips across the house. I start the day exhausted and end the day fried. I do feel a difference mentally and mood wise since the IV meds were discontinued. I don't feel as edgy and grumpy but I'm scared to type that or admit it that I find myself proving that theory wrong.
The IV med was replaced with an oral antibiotic. We currently are still on 3 oral antibiotics. The newest one that replaced the IV med is nasty. Its a horse pill with no coating so there is this nasty taste from the spot it first hits the mouth all the way down the throat. I try to line something up (oreos are good for this) to follow it down to help get rid of the taste. It is gagging, but near as limiting as the IV med it replaced :)
The Tuesday before the the IV was pulled, they ran another set of lab tests. It was interesting when they took the blood. The viles the blood is collected in each have colored lids. Specific tests are done in certain viles with certain lids. The nurse was collecting (drew blood on first stick-yahoooo!) and she began to grab for the vile with the yellow lid and the guy who works for Labcorp (lab company...he sits there all day and draws blood) told her to do the yellow one last. I looked at him and asked if it really mattered (out of curiosity) and he explained that the substances that are in the viles can contaminate other viles and alter the results. Really? Unbelievable I thought. Wish I had known that 10-15 years ago ;-)
The thought crossed my mind that maybe our last cd-57 which was 18 was an "altered" test result. That, maybe, just maybe its really higher than that. Nope!!! This time it came back 15....lower than the 18 which was lower then where we started...26. I was royally bummed when I got the results. The Lyme test still only has one positive indicator so at least that didn't get worse but 15? Seriously! I had a friend staying the night when I got the results and I asked her, "I wonder if it can go into the negatives". I was so bummed. However, it matches how I feel...sort of. I would hate for the Lyme test and CD-57 to show we are "normal" (whatever that is) and I still feel this way. However, that number is low and I am not bed ridden (maybe I should be but I'm not...which may not be helping) and I can still feed myself (only if its put in front of me) and I can still use the restroom on my own. All this to say, in light of those results, I am doing well. Its only by the grace of God. What a blessing that I am.
I love to hear Maddie tell everyone that "Mommy is IV free". If that is any indication how it has been these last 4 months. It is definitely nice to be IV free.
We see the doctor a week from Monday. I definitely have some questions for her and pray we will get some clear answers. I have seen an increase in the severity of some of my symptoms. Might be due to the low cd-57 number...I don't know. Pain that we had before the diagnosis but that had been under control, some of it has returned. Mainly in my shoulders, particularly the right one. Both shoulders were bone-on-bone last spring before we moved and thats what it feels like. One of my questions is if the bacteria has damaged these joints and if it will repair itself as the Lyme is under control. If not, are we looking at future surgeries to fix what the Lyme has damaged. That thought is very disconcertin (I think that is the word I want) as it makes me feel this is never ending but will go and on. But, if its the case we will deal with it then. As much as I am IV free I definitely have not had full capabilities in the right arm which has been frustrating but that frustration does not come near the frustration of having the IV. It is pretty weak and does not like too much weight without yelling me that its being abused. Nor does it want to turn or bend in certain ways (like handing something back to the girls in the back seat). It was told for almost 4 months not do anything so I am sure it will take time.
We knew progress would be long and slow. It difficult to be patient but I don't have a choice. God's mercies are new every day and every day I try to be thankful for what I can do that day. It felt nice to have laundry washed, dried (which has never been a problem) and put away all within a week. Whoo Hoo! Its a good feeling to be able to put your own underwear away again. Oh the things we take for granted.
There are some things that I hope don't change. I have mellowed out quite a bit (ask Chris..hopefully I'm not delusional) and have chilled. A lot has to do with just not processing that I should be otherwise but some of it has come from not having a choice. I don't ever want to return to my old state of running around with my head cut off and worrying over what the house looks like or what I look like when guests are over. We were having company over and Chris had to remind me we were having company over which bothered me. What miss my mind but I don't miss getting in a tizzy over things that just don't matter a whole lot. I've come to like myself with just blush and mascara after trying and not succeeding with applying everything else left handed. I've come to like a lot of the me that has resulted from the last half of a year and I hope its these things that don't spring back into action again. Its difficult to explain. I miss my mind but not if it means being in a tizzy about things. If tizzy is going to be then I'd rather not have the mind that thinks enough about it to be that way. Confused? I'm not on this. Its so easy to get wrapped up in the things of this life and world that don't mean squat when we die. The only thing that means anything when we die are the relationships we have. Relationships are the only thing we should get in a tizzy about, in my opinion, based on the last year and what God has shown me in my life. All else disappears.
Its funny to see what things I have picked up while being down (that sounds funny). Not having use of my arm/hand or my body for lack of energy, I found things to do in the horizontal position. One of those things is reading and another is playing Words with Friends on my phone. Oh, technology is an interesting thing. Nothing like having one little device that will do bunches of things, especially when you are limited appendage wise and energy wise. I can check my email, text (a.k.a. communicate) a friend, play games, and more all on my phone. Incredible. Too bad I can't balance my check book. There is even an app I use to help me remember things. I type it in, save it and it becomes the wallpaper to my phone...bam! up front reminder of things forgotten. I just find it interesting how things change in response to life. I'm not sure how to communicate this to help you understand what I'm trying to say. Things that were routine are no longer and things that weren't routine become routine.
I just have to also say that I am growing weary of my 6 1/2 year old showing me up (not difficult if its something physical...okay, and mental). Tonight, we got home from gymnastics and I'm fried. Becka has been building like crazy with her Lincoln Logs this last week to week and a half. She immediately started to build when we got home. She had a 3 level "apartment" building going complete with "secret department". Maddie is a bit clumsy....I kid you not I think of Denis the Menace for some reason. I had warned her several times to watch and be careful with Sissie's building. We are done with dinner and I excuse Maddie who played and talked through most of dinner. She takes care of her plate and heads to brush her teeth and the next think I hear is "crash". I immediately covered my face. I felt horrible for Becka and I wanted to strangle Maddie after I found out that she was walking to the bathroom backwards, not paying attention, messing around as we put it in our house. Chris rushed to her and wanted to swat her bottom but didn't. I look at Becka to see what her response was and the whole time I heard this voice telling me to be careful with my reaction. Becka asked so calmly and non chalantly if she could go look. I shook my head up and down and she scurried over to the destruction of her masterpiece. Daddy told Maddie to apologize and she did through tears and then this child out of no where (Becka) said, "I forgive you Maddie. I can build another. As long as you keep knocking them down, I can keep building them". Hello? Where did my kid go? The two girls hugged tight as Becka patted Maddie's head and Maddie cried hard tears. Chris and I just looked at each other as if to say, "um, what just happened?" What growth! I can't guarantee it will be there tomorrow. What matters is that it was there today. I pulled Becka aside to tell her how proud I was of her and what a big girl she showed she was and she smiled and said, "I've changed". She doesn't get this from Chris and I who were ready to "tear down" the very child who tore down Becka's building. Sometimes, particularly lately, I am convinced God gave us kids, not to raise, but to learn from. God has definitely used mine to show me my inconsistencies and faults and areas I am incredibly lacking in. Unlike Chris and I though, God is quick to forgive and restore and doesn't want us to linger there very long at all. Tonight was a night, again, where I felt God was saying to me, "you have a lot to learn" instead of me saying it to my girls. It is difficult raising children when I don't have it put together myself....not even close. And yet, I'm supposed to model for them. Ah, thus the reason why I pray that God protects my girls from my shortcomings, especially since they outnumber my strengths. Tonight I was reminded to keep praying this prayer.
Needless to say, by the time Chris got home I was fried. Weeks before youth camp I was a little concerned about meals...mainly me eating because I have gotten to a point where I don't eat unless its fixed for me. Nothing ever sounds good (except the things I'm not supposed to have a.k.a. glass of milk with 6+ vanilla double stuffed oreas) and so before I know it the day has gone by and I haven't eaten. I can get the girls fed but not me. But, God is good. Before I had time to think about it more than once some ladies at church were lined up to bring us meals. I just went ahead and decided I would eat whatever was provided, whether it fit the Lyme diet or not (which has pretty much almost gone out the window since the gallbladder surgery) and that would solve my food issue.
However, there was no "cure" for the IV free syndrome that hit. I had things like "wipe down kitchen cabinets with Murphy's oil" on my list. Needless to say, its still on the list. I didn't get a whole lot done because I didn't have any energy. So, by the time Chris got home I was pretty pathetic. Yesterday and today have been the only 2 days I have made a concerted effort to "tame" my freedom not that I have a whole lot to work with. Basically, I have tried to reduce the up and downs and the trips across the house. I start the day exhausted and end the day fried. I do feel a difference mentally and mood wise since the IV meds were discontinued. I don't feel as edgy and grumpy but I'm scared to type that or admit it that I find myself proving that theory wrong.
The IV med was replaced with an oral antibiotic. We currently are still on 3 oral antibiotics. The newest one that replaced the IV med is nasty. Its a horse pill with no coating so there is this nasty taste from the spot it first hits the mouth all the way down the throat. I try to line something up (oreos are good for this) to follow it down to help get rid of the taste. It is gagging, but near as limiting as the IV med it replaced :)
The Tuesday before the the IV was pulled, they ran another set of lab tests. It was interesting when they took the blood. The viles the blood is collected in each have colored lids. Specific tests are done in certain viles with certain lids. The nurse was collecting (drew blood on first stick-yahoooo!) and she began to grab for the vile with the yellow lid and the guy who works for Labcorp (lab company...he sits there all day and draws blood) told her to do the yellow one last. I looked at him and asked if it really mattered (out of curiosity) and he explained that the substances that are in the viles can contaminate other viles and alter the results. Really? Unbelievable I thought. Wish I had known that 10-15 years ago ;-)
The thought crossed my mind that maybe our last cd-57 which was 18 was an "altered" test result. That, maybe, just maybe its really higher than that. Nope!!! This time it came back 15....lower than the 18 which was lower then where we started...26. I was royally bummed when I got the results. The Lyme test still only has one positive indicator so at least that didn't get worse but 15? Seriously! I had a friend staying the night when I got the results and I asked her, "I wonder if it can go into the negatives". I was so bummed. However, it matches how I feel...sort of. I would hate for the Lyme test and CD-57 to show we are "normal" (whatever that is) and I still feel this way. However, that number is low and I am not bed ridden (maybe I should be but I'm not...which may not be helping) and I can still feed myself (only if its put in front of me) and I can still use the restroom on my own. All this to say, in light of those results, I am doing well. Its only by the grace of God. What a blessing that I am.
I love to hear Maddie tell everyone that "Mommy is IV free". If that is any indication how it has been these last 4 months. It is definitely nice to be IV free.
We see the doctor a week from Monday. I definitely have some questions for her and pray we will get some clear answers. I have seen an increase in the severity of some of my symptoms. Might be due to the low cd-57 number...I don't know. Pain that we had before the diagnosis but that had been under control, some of it has returned. Mainly in my shoulders, particularly the right one. Both shoulders were bone-on-bone last spring before we moved and thats what it feels like. One of my questions is if the bacteria has damaged these joints and if it will repair itself as the Lyme is under control. If not, are we looking at future surgeries to fix what the Lyme has damaged. That thought is very disconcertin (I think that is the word I want) as it makes me feel this is never ending but will go and on. But, if its the case we will deal with it then. As much as I am IV free I definitely have not had full capabilities in the right arm which has been frustrating but that frustration does not come near the frustration of having the IV. It is pretty weak and does not like too much weight without yelling me that its being abused. Nor does it want to turn or bend in certain ways (like handing something back to the girls in the back seat). It was told for almost 4 months not do anything so I am sure it will take time.
We knew progress would be long and slow. It difficult to be patient but I don't have a choice. God's mercies are new every day and every day I try to be thankful for what I can do that day. It felt nice to have laundry washed, dried (which has never been a problem) and put away all within a week. Whoo Hoo! Its a good feeling to be able to put your own underwear away again. Oh the things we take for granted.
There are some things that I hope don't change. I have mellowed out quite a bit (ask Chris..hopefully I'm not delusional) and have chilled. A lot has to do with just not processing that I should be otherwise but some of it has come from not having a choice. I don't ever want to return to my old state of running around with my head cut off and worrying over what the house looks like or what I look like when guests are over. We were having company over and Chris had to remind me we were having company over which bothered me. What miss my mind but I don't miss getting in a tizzy over things that just don't matter a whole lot. I've come to like myself with just blush and mascara after trying and not succeeding with applying everything else left handed. I've come to like a lot of the me that has resulted from the last half of a year and I hope its these things that don't spring back into action again. Its difficult to explain. I miss my mind but not if it means being in a tizzy about things. If tizzy is going to be then I'd rather not have the mind that thinks enough about it to be that way. Confused? I'm not on this. Its so easy to get wrapped up in the things of this life and world that don't mean squat when we die. The only thing that means anything when we die are the relationships we have. Relationships are the only thing we should get in a tizzy about, in my opinion, based on the last year and what God has shown me in my life. All else disappears.
Its funny to see what things I have picked up while being down (that sounds funny). Not having use of my arm/hand or my body for lack of energy, I found things to do in the horizontal position. One of those things is reading and another is playing Words with Friends on my phone. Oh, technology is an interesting thing. Nothing like having one little device that will do bunches of things, especially when you are limited appendage wise and energy wise. I can check my email, text (a.k.a. communicate) a friend, play games, and more all on my phone. Incredible. Too bad I can't balance my check book. There is even an app I use to help me remember things. I type it in, save it and it becomes the wallpaper to my phone...bam! up front reminder of things forgotten. I just find it interesting how things change in response to life. I'm not sure how to communicate this to help you understand what I'm trying to say. Things that were routine are no longer and things that weren't routine become routine.
I just have to also say that I am growing weary of my 6 1/2 year old showing me up (not difficult if its something physical...okay, and mental). Tonight, we got home from gymnastics and I'm fried. Becka has been building like crazy with her Lincoln Logs this last week to week and a half. She immediately started to build when we got home. She had a 3 level "apartment" building going complete with "secret department". Maddie is a bit clumsy....I kid you not I think of Denis the Menace for some reason. I had warned her several times to watch and be careful with Sissie's building. We are done with dinner and I excuse Maddie who played and talked through most of dinner. She takes care of her plate and heads to brush her teeth and the next think I hear is "crash". I immediately covered my face. I felt horrible for Becka and I wanted to strangle Maddie after I found out that she was walking to the bathroom backwards, not paying attention, messing around as we put it in our house. Chris rushed to her and wanted to swat her bottom but didn't. I look at Becka to see what her response was and the whole time I heard this voice telling me to be careful with my reaction. Becka asked so calmly and non chalantly if she could go look. I shook my head up and down and she scurried over to the destruction of her masterpiece. Daddy told Maddie to apologize and she did through tears and then this child out of no where (Becka) said, "I forgive you Maddie. I can build another. As long as you keep knocking them down, I can keep building them". Hello? Where did my kid go? The two girls hugged tight as Becka patted Maddie's head and Maddie cried hard tears. Chris and I just looked at each other as if to say, "um, what just happened?" What growth! I can't guarantee it will be there tomorrow. What matters is that it was there today. I pulled Becka aside to tell her how proud I was of her and what a big girl she showed she was and she smiled and said, "I've changed". She doesn't get this from Chris and I who were ready to "tear down" the very child who tore down Becka's building. Sometimes, particularly lately, I am convinced God gave us kids, not to raise, but to learn from. God has definitely used mine to show me my inconsistencies and faults and areas I am incredibly lacking in. Unlike Chris and I though, God is quick to forgive and restore and doesn't want us to linger there very long at all. Tonight was a night, again, where I felt God was saying to me, "you have a lot to learn" instead of me saying it to my girls. It is difficult raising children when I don't have it put together myself....not even close. And yet, I'm supposed to model for them. Ah, thus the reason why I pray that God protects my girls from my shortcomings, especially since they outnumber my strengths. Tonight I was reminded to keep praying this prayer.
