Wow! Not Sure Where to Start

I haven't blogged in over a week....um, since the night before I got the IV out.  When there are pauses in my blogging or communication it usually means one of three things. One, I'm doing well. Or two, I'm doing horribly or three, I'm trying to keep my head above water.  Neither really is my excuse for this latest lag in blogs.  I got the IV out Saturday and Chris left for youth camp the very next Monday.   He was gone all week and I had a mile long list of "IV Free Things I Want To Do"...."want" might be the wrong word to use but when you have had an IV in your arm for most of the last 4 months it has a different meaning.
Needless to say, by the time Chris got home I was fried.  Weeks before youth camp I was a little concerned about meals...mainly me eating because I have gotten to a point where I don't eat unless its fixed for me.  Nothing ever sounds good (except the things I'm not supposed to have a.k.a. glass of milk with 6+ vanilla double stuffed oreas) and so before I know it the day has gone by and I haven't eaten. I can get the girls fed but not me.  But, God is good.  Before I had time to think about it more than once some ladies at church were lined up to bring us meals.  I just went ahead and decided I would eat whatever was provided, whether it fit the Lyme diet or not (which has pretty much almost gone out the window since the gallbladder surgery) and that would solve my food issue.
However, there was no "cure" for the IV free syndrome that hit.  I had things like "wipe down kitchen cabinets with Murphy's oil" on my list. Needless to say, its still on the list.  I didn't get a whole lot done because I didn't have any energy.  So, by the time Chris got home I was pretty pathetic.  Yesterday and today have been the only 2 days I have made a concerted effort to "tame" my freedom not that I have a whole lot to work with.  Basically, I have tried to reduce the up and downs and the trips across the house.  I start the day exhausted and end the day fried.  I do feel a difference mentally and mood wise since the IV meds were discontinued.  I don't feel as edgy and grumpy but I'm scared to type that or admit it that I find myself proving that theory wrong.
The IV med was replaced with an oral antibiotic.  We currently are still on 3 oral antibiotics.  The newest one that replaced the IV med is nasty.  Its a horse pill with no coating so there is this nasty taste from the spot it first hits the mouth all the way down the throat.  I try to line something up (oreos are good for this) to follow it down to help get rid of the taste.  It is gagging, but near as limiting as the IV med it replaced :)
The Tuesday before the the IV was pulled, they ran another set of lab tests.  It was interesting when they took the blood.  The viles the blood is collected in each have colored lids.  Specific tests are done in certain viles with certain lids.  The nurse was collecting (drew blood on first stick-yahoooo!) and she began to grab for the vile with the yellow lid and the guy who works for Labcorp (lab company...he sits there all day and draws blood) told her to do the yellow one last. I looked at him and asked if it really mattered (out of curiosity) and he explained that the substances that are in the viles can contaminate other viles and alter the results.  Really?  Unbelievable I thought. Wish I had known that 10-15 years ago ;-)
The thought crossed my mind that maybe our last cd-57 which was 18 was an "altered" test result. That, maybe, just maybe its really higher than that. Nope!!! This time it came back 15....lower than the 18 which was lower then where we started...26.  I was royally bummed when I got the results.  The Lyme test still only has one positive indicator so at least that didn't get worse but 15? Seriously! I had a friend staying the night when I got the results and I asked her, "I wonder if it can go into the negatives". I was so bummed.  However, it matches how I feel...sort of.  I would hate for the Lyme test and CD-57 to show we are "normal" (whatever that is) and I still feel this way.  However, that number is low and I am not bed ridden (maybe I should be but I'm not...which may not be helping) and I can still feed myself (only if its put in front of me) and I can still use the restroom on my own.  All this to say, in light of those results, I am doing well.  Its only by the grace of God.  What a blessing that I am.
I love to hear Maddie tell everyone that "Mommy is IV free".  If that is any indication how it has been these last 4 months.  It is definitely nice to be IV free.
We see the doctor a week from Monday.  I definitely have some questions for her and pray we will get some clear answers.  I have seen an increase in the severity of some of my symptoms.  Might be due to the low cd-57 number...I don't know.  Pain that we had before the diagnosis but that had been under control, some of it has returned.  Mainly in my shoulders, particularly the right one.  Both shoulders were bone-on-bone last spring before we moved and thats what it feels like.  One of my questions is if the bacteria has damaged these joints and if it will repair itself as the Lyme is under control.  If not, are we looking at future surgeries to fix what the Lyme has damaged.  That thought is very disconcertin (I think that is the word I want) as it makes me feel this is never ending but will go and on.  But, if its the case we will deal with it then.  As much as I am IV free I definitely have not had full capabilities in the right arm which has been frustrating but that frustration does not come near the frustration of having the IV. It is pretty weak and does not like too much weight without yelling me that its being abused. Nor does it want to turn or bend in certain ways (like handing something back to the girls in the back seat).  It was told for almost 4 months not do anything so I am sure it will take time.
We knew progress would be long and slow.  It difficult to be patient but I don't have a choice.  God's mercies are new every day and every day I try to be thankful for what I can do that day.  It felt nice to have laundry washed, dried (which has never been a problem) and put away all within a week.  Whoo Hoo!  Its a good feeling to be able to put your own underwear away again.  Oh the things we take for granted.
There are some things that I hope don't change.  I have mellowed out quite a bit (ask Chris..hopefully I'm not delusional) and have chilled.  A lot has to do with just not processing that I should be otherwise but some of it has come from not having a choice.  I don't ever want to return to my old state of running around with my head cut off and worrying over what the house looks like or what I look like when guests are over.  We were having company over and Chris had to remind me we were having company over which bothered me. What miss my mind but I don't miss getting in a tizzy over things that just don't matter a whole lot.  I've come to like myself with just blush and mascara after trying and not succeeding with applying everything else left handed.  I've come to like a lot of the me that has resulted from the last half of a year and I hope its these things that don't spring back into action again.  Its difficult to explain.  I miss my mind but not if it means being in a tizzy about things.  If tizzy is going to be then I'd rather not have the mind that thinks enough about it to be that way.  Confused?  I'm not on this. Its so easy to get wrapped up in the things of this life and world that don't mean squat when we die.  The only thing that means anything when we die are the relationships we have.  Relationships are the only thing we should get in a tizzy about, in my opinion, based on the last year and what God has shown me in my life.  All else disappears.
Its funny to see what things I have picked up while being down (that sounds funny).  Not having use of my arm/hand or my body for lack of energy, I found things to do in the horizontal position.  One of those things is reading and another is playing Words with Friends on my phone.  Oh, technology is an interesting thing.  Nothing like having one little device that will do bunches of things, especially when you are limited appendage wise and energy wise.  I can check my email, text (a.k.a. communicate) a friend, play games, and more all on my phone. Incredible.  Too bad I can't balance my check book.  There is even an app I use to help me remember things. I type it in, save it and it becomes the wallpaper to my phone...bam! up front reminder of things forgotten.  I just find it interesting how things change in response to life.  I'm not sure how to communicate this to help you understand what I'm trying to say.  Things that were routine are no longer and things that weren't routine become routine.
I just have to also say that I am growing weary of my 6 1/2 year old showing me up (not difficult if its something physical...okay, and mental). Tonight, we got home from gymnastics and I'm fried. Becka has been building like crazy with her Lincoln Logs this last week to week and a half.  She immediately started to build when we got home.  She had a 3 level "apartment" building going complete with "secret department".  Maddie is a bit clumsy....I kid you not I think of Denis the Menace for some reason.  I had warned her several times to watch and be careful with Sissie's  building.  We are done with dinner and I excuse Maddie who played and talked through most of dinner.  She takes care of her plate and heads to brush her teeth and the next think I hear is "crash".  I immediately covered my face.  I felt horrible for Becka and I wanted to strangle Maddie after I found out that she was walking to the bathroom backwards, not paying attention, messing around as we put it in our house.  Chris rushed to her and wanted to swat her bottom but didn't.  I look at Becka to see what her response was and the whole time I heard this voice telling me to be careful with my reaction.  Becka asked so calmly and non chalantly if she could go look.  I shook my head up and down and she scurried over to the destruction of her masterpiece.  Daddy told Maddie to apologize and she did through tears and then this child out of no where (Becka) said, "I forgive you Maddie. I can build another. As long as you keep knocking them down, I can keep building them".  Hello?  Where did my kid go?  The two girls hugged tight as Becka patted Maddie's head and Maddie cried hard tears.  Chris and I just looked at each other as if to say, "um, what just happened?" What growth!  I can't guarantee it will be there tomorrow.  What matters is that it was there today.  I pulled Becka aside to tell her how proud I was of her and what a big girl she showed she was and she smiled and said, "I've changed".  She doesn't get this from Chris and I who were ready to "tear down" the very child who tore down Becka's building.  Sometimes, particularly lately, I am convinced God gave us kids, not to raise, but to learn from.  God has definitely used mine to show me my inconsistencies and faults and areas I am incredibly lacking in.  Unlike Chris and I though, God is quick to forgive and restore and doesn't want us to linger there very long at all.  Tonight was a night, again, where I felt God was saying to me, "you have a lot to learn" instead of me saying it to my girls.  It is difficult raising children when I don't have it put together myself....not even close. And yet, I'm supposed to model for them.  Ah, thus the reason why I pray that God protects my girls from my shortcomings, especially since they outnumber my strengths.  Tonight I was reminded to keep praying this prayer.