I am in the valley, though I think valleys can be beautiful, but I'm not feeling "beautiful" the last couple days. At the moment my heart is breaking, grieving, questioning, hurting, exhausted, yearning, confused, and down right in need of renovation.
Last week my husband, two girls and I were blessed with 3 days to spend as a family away to a beach house in Matagorda. A family in our church will never know what they did for me and my family to allow us to stay at their beach house. The house backs up to the Colorado river and then about 2 miles down the road is the Gulf of Mexico and a public beach. In the process of getting away I realized just how heavy these last months have been. It was so nice to be freed from the heaviness for a couple days. It was such a blessing and so freeing to have a couple days where I didn't worry about how my inabilities affect my responsibilities. I didn't realize how much this weighed on me till we were down there and I was relieved of them. Obviously, this is not something put on me by someone else, so to say, but more something I put on myself, but again, didn't realize till I step away from it all.
My husband allowed me to sleep in each morning. He did all the cooking (he does most of it at home as well). We spent two nights at the beach as the sun went down. What therapy to watch my husband fish (something he loves to do and doesn't get to do it near enough) and watch my girls let loose and be fancy free as they kicked up their heels in the water, running back and forth on the beach. I can still hear their squeals. I was looking at some pictures I took and I giggled because Madilyn in 95% of them is a blur. She is constant motion. It was so good to see my family free from how my inabilities affect them. There was so much freedom in the 3 days. Free to just be without the stress of expectations, both imposed by others and self imposed.
There are no words to describe how therapeutic water is to me. There has always been something so peaceful, and calming. An ointment for the soul. The sound of the waves rolling and hitting the beach was addicting. The sound of fish surfacing in the Colorado river and the water lapping up around and against the docks. It is something so fresh, natural and untainted. I stood on the beach watching and listening and wishing I never had to leave. Wishing I could freeze frame the moment till I am well. I crave the water.
It was down at the beach house where I started to read another book by Elisabeth Elliot called "Keep a Quiet Heart". I wanted to just read and read it and be alone with it and what it had to say. Within the first pages I was able to pin down maybe a little of what I have been trying to figure out. Since August I have struggled internally and not understanding how I can go from being so peaceful and accepting of what has been to just feeling antsy. In reading this book the best I can do is say that before August I had a quiet heart and since August my heart has been beating loudly, and anxiously...not literally, just not being able to find a peaceful "rhythm" as I had before August. Why August? I don't know. Why the change? Don't have a clue, but I am feeling very restless in my heart. It is not at all at rest in God.
We came home Saturday afternoon hesitantly, wanting so badly to stay away. It was difficult to jump back into the swing of "life".
Yesterday I hit a brick wall and yesterdays Thursday was like day and night compared to last Thursday at the beach house.
Its weird because toward the end of the time with the IV I remember telling people that I had noticed that our bad days were decreasing and the not-so-bad days were out numbering the bad days. Then things seemed to change as if laughing at my silly observation. I had a string of weeks where I just didn't feel good. Then a couple okay days and then the weekend before last I was hit with a pretty challenging herx that really caught us off guard. It was at least half of what our very first herx reaction was. At this point in the journey they shouldn't be so strong according to science. My theory is, (I don't get paid very much for my theories) and it hit me after the last appointment and then after the last herx, that the IV treatment sent the bacteria into dormancy. I remember reading that when it feels "threatened" it goes into dormancy. During the IV treament we saw a huge decrease in symptoms, particularly the pain. When we switched off of the IV, we saw a resurgence of symptoms. The doctor said she felt the bacteria was coming out of the tissues...thus not feeling as threatened, and there is a whole new group of exposed bacteria being hit with 2 out of the 3 antibiotics. When the bacteria is in the tissues or in cyst form, it is very difficult, almost impossible to kill. It makes sense to my feeble green brain that these newly exposed bacteria were attacked and killed, thus the big herx. At least thats my theory and I am sticking to it. :-)
My days are, once again, filled with pain of some sort, and I just don't handle extended periods of pain. Short, hey this is going to hurt for a second kind of of pain, but not day after day after day pain. My legs have been the brunt of most of the pain. The calf muscles, particularly the right, seems to be consistently cramped. Both legs are extremely sensitive to the touch as if both legs are bruised up and down. The right leg feels as if there is a tendon or nerve not happy from my hip, down the back of the leg to my foot. They ache as if I run a marathon or work out with heavy weights every day. I cringe if the girls come close and finding a comfortable position is challenging. Crossing my legs in any fashion makes the cramping worse and if any part my legs is touch the chair or anything else it hurst. I have notices this with my arms as well, just not to the extend of my legs.
The headaches have increased and the sharp pains above the right ear are numerous throughout the day. It is usually left with a residual pain from the ear back and down the right side of the neck. My neck consistently feels like it needs to be popped and the shoulder muscles are back to never being happy. And this is just half of it.
Yesterday I had an extremely challenging day with the girls and school. I was under a time crunch (mistake number one) because we had plans to meet some friends at the park. Not getting anywhere with one child I buckled and lost it and I have been in a funk since. I wanted to call someone for help but, not wanting to be a burden or appear as if I don't have it all together, I mark off each person in my head. As a result, Chris gets the blunt of it all. He has a job and a ministry and he has to deal with a sick and can't-pull-it-together wife.
It basically boils down to this: I don't see how living a life where I am more a harm or burden can be the will of God. How can I possibly be doing any good for His kingdom? I feel the more I try, the more I fail. The more I try to be who God wants me to be, the more I am reminded that I'm not. The battle is exhausting. As I'm shown in the last couple days in reading this book, I am convicted of how much I complain, how often I am in a mood and I want so much for others to not have to deal with that. There is a struggle between being real and being a sour puss. I feel my husband would be freed up to be a pastor if I weren't around. I feel the girls would learn better and be happier if I weren't around. I wanted to leave. I wanted to "release" them and anyone else from me. It is very difficult to put into words but its basically a no good, tired of being a bump on a long feeling. About all I'm good for is sitting around playing brainless games on my phone. I wanted to give up. I'm tired of this song and dance, can't do it any more feeling. I am frustrated as I pray and pray, and numerous other people are praying and I don't see and feel His strength. I know I can't do it on what I have...I don't have anything left in me. I know my strength has to come from Him. He is my only answer to functioning at all, being at all and I just don't see it.
Today we get word that a friend of ours died in his sleep last night. He leaves behind a wife and 6 year old little girl who was Becka's first "best friend". He was a youth pastor and they are around our age. It has gripped me all day. My heart grieves, aches and is broken for this family. I know he is with God but the pain left behind is so great and my heart is screaming for those bearing his loss. I can't even imagine. Between yesterdays melt down and today, my heart is conflicted. So many questions running through it. It has deepened my funk, my fog, my just surviving to get through the day.
I'm sitting here tonight with the girls in bed and Chris at church with a youth event and I can't bring myself to do anything. I pick up the phone, play a couple mindless games and surf a little and before I know it I am listening to a song that I am supposed to sing in church in two weeks when Chris preaches. My heart just grabs on to the words. It is my hearts cry! Its what I yearn for....its what I was made for and even through this time of struggle when all I want to do is give up the fight I still feel my Lord reaching out for me and drawing me in and my soul can not deny the tie from my heart to God. And I cry some more. I want so badly to be able to sit at the piano and play and sing this song to my Lord and I cant. So torn between this world and my home....heaven, with my God, where all I want is to be at His feet. This drawing in, this yearning for Him, my heart cannot deny He exists and loves me. So why so down casted? Why can't my heart and mind find peace and solitude? I crave stillness and silence and this life offers very little of it. God's doing a make over and I may be fighting it, but all I know is that is pretty painful.
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