Absolutely Incredible!!!!

I had a great nap I just dropped the girls off at church and my body is begging to go back to sleep (that and its cold and rainy outside...perfect napping weather...). I am feeling so "junky" right now but my mind has been processing what happened today and I have to write. 

Nobody, except maybe Chris, will even come close to understanding what happened this morning.  It has left me in AW all day and has had me thanking my Lord as well.  I am blown away and yet, I am a little ashamed that I am blown away, as it might show my lack of faith but I know I had the faith, so I'm not sure why I am so blown away.

All my life I have wanted to be "useful" and this became even more a yearning when I became a Christian, and has increasingly been a "prayer" for me, especially in the last several years.  In the last several months, I have never felt so useless.  But today I am thanking my God for using me and for showing His mighty hands on my life.

The last two weeks I have been more doable then the couple months before it.  Physically, the last couple weeks have not been bad. It has been more of a emotional struggle as we fought through an MRI with a couple doctors but physically they would fall under the "better" days.

Many weeks ago I posted two songs that are my hearts cry at this stage in this journey, Captivate Us and The More I Seek You.  As Chris was preparing his sermon for this morning he decided one day in the car as Captivate Us came on the radio that it would be a great song to be sung and played the day he preached.  He explained it fit what he was supposed to preach on.  I was so excited and like a little school girl I hoped he would allow me, pick me, to sing it, but that thought was quickly reprimanded as I took stock of my physical situation.  In not so many words, I'm "unreliable" right now, not knowing how I will feel from day to day.  I was thrilled when he started talking about me singing it.

There was another day where I was listening to music in the car by myself and it was one of the first times I had heard The More I Seek You.  As I sang the words I remembered what Chris had said he was preaching on and I realized that the picture I saw in my head when I sang the song, matched something he was preaching on...a lady at the feet of Jesus.  I shared with Chris that I thought this song fit his "Sunday" perfectly, maybe even more so than Captivate Us, afraid he wouldn't want to do both or couldn't.  To my surprise he loved the song and agreed that it did fit perfectly.  He acquired the music and began tossing around in his head what other songs the congregation would sing and would that he would include the two songs above.  I was in a tizzy about these two songs because they had become my hearts cry and I so badly wanted to sing both of them, but I felt so strongly I that it wouldn't be right.  The number of Sundays I had been to church were sadly out numbered by the ones I hadn't.  I didn't feel right that all of a sudden I would be at church, and oh, look she's singing two songs.  I also didn't want that much "stage time", if that makes sense. If I could do it from the choir room, where no one could see me, then fine :-)  I knew it would leave Chris in a dither as well, if the Sunday he was preaching came up as one of the Sundays I wasn't in church due to my physical situation.

Chris asked which song I wanted to do.  I went back and forth. I'd pick one and then miss the other one and vice versa, quite silly in fact.  It was finally decided, like maybe 3 weeks ago that I would sing The More I Seek You.  The weird things is, not too long after that decision I found myself at the piano thumbing through the song quite often.  This was after I had tried to dictate it and lost it and had come to the realization that my hands weren't the full problem in me playing piano these last couple years.  My brain wasn't cooperating either.  But I would sit down, now having the music, and found that there was just an 8 measure section that was quite challenging.  I messed around with it for a little bit, and then the next day found myself back at the piano, playing the same section and was surprised that I wasn't starting all over.  Something inside me said to play and sing the song the Sunday Chris preached.  Well, I thought this to be a fine thought but an absolutely ridiculous thought.  I have never played and sung in front of anyone outside my husband and girls, and I have not played seriously in over 2 years, much less played at all in almost a year.  Oh, and who knew what days I would feel well, and which days I wouldn't so the thought of preparing it went out the window.  Are you crazy? I can barely get up most days and do school with the girls.  The laundry doesn't get put away and the house doesn't get cleaned much less a song prepared for church less then 3 weeks away.

I was waiting on Chris to tell me who would be playing piano the Sunday he was preaching and as each day went by and I didn't know who would be accompanying the stronger the feeling got that I was to play and sing.  Miraculously, I found myself at the piano each day for a short time.  It wasn't this scheduled, have to practice, playing and I didn't play for very long.  If you have known me for more then a couple years you know that I have had trouble with my hands.  If I used them for any thing they would hurt, but especially playing the piano.  I would pay dearly the following day if I sat for lengths of time playing my favorite songs.  Playing was my release, my worship, and I thought my gift but I struggled in understanding why it had been taken away.  I enjoyed teaching piano but found after we moved to Simonton that it was taken away as well and before I knew it, I no longer had anything to do with the one thing that made up so much of me.  I didn't get it...okay, still don't unless it was leading up to this morning.

A week and a half ago I was asking Chris if he knew who was accompanying me and he said no.  He also made the comment that I appeared to think I was playing and singing the song.  Yeah, so did the little feeling inside that I kept telling it just couldn't be.  I shared with him that it made me nervous to think there was less then two weeks before his sermon and I would need to meet with this mystery accompanist at least once to run through it, preferably more to be comfortable and I didn't know what my days would be like so in my mind we were running out of possible workable days.  Somewhere in there, after hearing it, though I'm not sure what happened, it was decided that I would play and sing it.  About this time, I also noticed that there was a little time each day at the piano and it wasn't something that had to be forced...it just happened. It was also around this time that I noticed I was retaining what I had practiced through the day before and the day before that.  I was able to play through the song, with the 8 measure section giving me a smaller and smaller problem...but singing it while I played was something else.  It was also noticed about this time, that my hands did not hurt the next day. In fact, my hands didn't hurt anymore from playing then they do from doing anything else.  I found an incredible strength when I sat down to play and yet my hands still had difficulty picking things up, holding on to things, and were their typical weak hands otherwise.

A week and a half ago I decided I really wanted this lady at church that plays the bass to play with me.  I passed it by Chris and I felt really stupid asking her with such short notice...until I found out she was playing for the other song as well.  I worried about what she would think....I'm good at that, but she had played on another song I sang so I gave it a shot and she accepted.  A week ago at church I found myself asking her if she could rehearse that afternoon and to my surprise, again, she accepted.  It would be my first time to rehearse outside the house, with a mic (I loath mics) and have to sing and play at the same time.  The thought scared me to death but I got through it.  We met again Thursday and two other times I went up to the church for a short time to play and try to get used to the piano, the big room and the blasted mic.  No mic, I'm comfortable. Mic in front of my face and my voice shrinks to a mouse as if I am afraid of my own voice.  I am not a singer by trade...at all.  Sometime this last week I asked Chris, kind of jokingly, if I could use the cordless mic that hangs over the ear instead of the big metal one in front of my face.  Because the service wasn't going to be a typical service there was a cordless mic available and he said I could use it.  At this point, I needed to just get comfortable singing with the mic, then with playing and singing period.

The week was challenging mentally as satan worked his sneaky ways so I would feel insecure and question everything.  This time was a little different in that I recognized it more and kept it at bay as best as I could.  As today got closer I anchored myself knowing that anytime Chris preaches we are horribly attacked.  We have had some really weird things happen on times he has preached (like the time I got home and found the front door wide open at the house in Cypress....we never went out the front door and it was minutes before he was to begin preaching...hhhmmmm.) I had begun praying back in September for us, knowing October would be rough and leading up to today and prayed even more, and asked a couple people that don't think I am weird when I mention spiritual warfare, to pray for us, especially since we both would be doing something today...it seemed like a bigger bulls eye on us.

Yesterday, Chris and I went to one of the most beautiful weddings. It was outside and just classy, beautiful, ...there just aren't words.  It felt so good sitting outside..okay, it just felt good getting out, but the Fall  colors and weather was a clincher for me.  It was interrupted though, every time someone came up to me and said, "You look good. You don't look sick." This bothers me in so many ways but it bounced off better yesterday....and today.  You see, my greatest weakness is worrying about what others think and one of my worries when it was looking like I was going to play and sing was that others would see me on the platform, playing and singing, and think I am "healed" and not sick anymore and when in reality each day is still a struggle.  If you could be a fly on the wall inside my house you would see that it is still a struggle for me and my family.  But through the last couple weeks God has worked with me and shown me that I am to be obedient to Him, not worrying about what others think and that He is big enough to take care of things. All I need to focus on is obeying Him.  Oh, so easy to say and verbalize but oh so difficult for me to do that worries tooo much what others think.  I have to trust that He knows what He is doing and that He has it all under control.  He didn't ask me to play, sing, and control what others think.  It has been incredible to see a strength arise this last week that is so unlike me but I would have never imagined this morning.

It became evident again, that this morning was His thing when I went up to the church for one last run in, I mean run through, with the mic.  I took up a couple books of worship songs I used to play.  One song, Be Thou My Vision has been heavily on my mind.  So I took them hoping I would get a minute to play like the old days.  I rehearsed my song for today and it went so smoothly.  I pulled out the books and began playing and the hands stiffened up and my playing went back to dull and lifeless.  It was so evident that God has been the one playing The More I Seek You these last couple weeks.  

Last night going to bed I told Chris that I totally expected not to get any sleep, for the girls to be sick in the morning, that I would feel junky and have a herx, that one of the cars would break down, etc.  I laughed as I then said, "but we are all going to church".  I went to bed last night surprised we hadn't been more attacked yesterday...and yet as I type that I am reminded of what people said yesterday...maybe we were attacked but I was protected and it bounced right off without much of my notice.  Although, that thought was quickly followed by, "I would notice if our front door was wide open though". I dreaded the night before today knowing that my stomach would be in knots....it wasn't.

As I suspected, I had a horrible nights sleep. But my girls were healthy, the cars worked, and I felt pretty good.  I ate breakfast to ward off any excuses satan could use to work against me.  God had made it evident to me in the last week that I was supposed to play and sing this morning in church, even though the thought still scared me to death.

The girls and I had a pretty easy morning getting out of the house (it can be pretty hairy). I was nervous but underneath it was a confidence that was not my own, but a confidence from being obedient, knowing that this morning was His idea, that He gave me what I needed to be there this morning, and that it would be what He wanted it to be.  I continued to pray for His control over my hands, voice, mind, and body.  I rehearsed a little but just felt a confidence, even though I played worse then I had in days,

My husband looked strikingly handsome in his new shirt and tie he got for his birthday from his mom.  The service was incredible, so worshipful.  Chris' sermon was incredible.  He appeared so comfortable and natural as if he has been preaching in big church all his life.  Chris' dad was there this morning as well.  Things went along so smoothly almost as if I wasn't in it at all, but just watching from a distance....someone else was in control and how good that felt.  I knew I was in the picture though, when about three quarters the way through his sermon my heart began to speed up and try to exit my chest.  The hands went clammy and I began to pray that God would control my heart.  Again, other then the heart there was a marked confidence....a, "this isn't my favorite thing to do, I'd rather not be doing this, but I need to out of obedience" feeling.  And because I was secure in Who had orchestrated this morning,  there was a confidence in knowing Who was in control.  Its a fabulous feeling!

Chris prayed and I moved up to the piano.  I don't remember a whole lot other then my hands and legs shook through the entire song and that I made it through.  My hands shook through the entire song!  In college when I would play in front of peers and professors they shook but I horribly messed up.  This morning the only way I can put it is I was not in control of my body, not the shakes and not the playing that came out, nor the voice....nothing.

We were driving to have lunch with Chris' dad and it hit me....I played and sang in church.  I was blown away.  It is something I have pictured doing as I would play and sing worshipfully under the protection of my own roof, but never thought I would do or be able to do on my own.  This morning was not me but my God.  There is this giddy feeling inside as I have been thanking my Lord today for using me.  I have felt so useless these last several months but today I felt used and extremely grateful that He would choose to use me in that way and reveal himself to me in this way and so many ways that just don't come out on paper.  To most it is insignificant and doesn't appear to be much.  Granted, my heavenly Father didn't send me to Africa to  help the poor and hungry but I felt used today.  He didn't use me in a way that effected big changes in government or change anything nationally or anything one might think of as big.  But He used me this morning and to look back at how He did it, His protection, His provision, His hands.  It is incredible!  Its so difficult trying to put it into words to share what He has done. I try to go back and share information to help you understand and yet its a "picture" for very few to see.  It is nothing big to most but to me it is huge for my God to place on my heart to do something completely out of my comfort area and out of my physical strengths, and help me obey, and show me along the way, and to surrender to Him in a way I haven't before, only for Him to use this body, that on its own is nothing, but with Him encompassing it makes it what He needs it to be for His purposes only...I find this incredible!  Thank you God for using me today.  Thank you God that you would even look on me and love me so much as to use me today.  I have been crying out lately that I felt of no use.  Thank you God for showing me that I have not been tossed aside for vultures to feed on, but that you still think of me and think of me enough to use me today.  Thank you for allowing me to feel your hands on my life.

I was helping my girls clean up their rooms (mommy style) and caught eye of the clock and felt an urgency to get them down before tonights activities. And, as if by stroke of midnight, my carriage turned back into a pumpkin and I began to feel bad.  I went down for a nap with a headache and feeling really nauseous...my typical weekend "junky" feeling from the meds. I woke from the nap feeling worse but I have a new skip in my heart and I am grateful for feeling junky.  After dropping the girls off I was driving home and feeling junky and aiming for my bed, I realized that the last two weeks have been "better" days and it was then that I realized how He has sustained me these last two weeks.  Without His sustenance I wouldn't have practiced and been ready.  Without Him I would not have seen and fought against satan's attacks.  Without Him I wouldn't be a giddy little child basking in her Father's embrace right now.  So bring on the junkiness.

This morning pulling out of the driveway, Becka said, "Mommy, isn't this a herx weekend?" I thought about it and back when we first discussed me singing I had looked at the calendar then and  knew that a herx would be due between last weekend and this weekend.  At the time it discouraged me from singing today but somewhere not too long after that I had forgotten about it.  Thanks Lyme and thank you God.  Sometimes not remembering is bliss.  Absolutely incredible!!