God is Gracious

Life with God is such a crazy ride. I am continually blown away by what He does and then I am shocked that I am amazed. I knew in my heart He could do it but to witness it, and to be allowed to be involved is something different. Anyway, He still amazes me.

I think the last time I posted I mentioned a switch I had felt, a change. Somewhere around my birthday in May, I had a week of headaches/migraines and the after that I no longer felt the switch or change. The old mono feeling was back and this really bummed me out. Sometimes I think I'm allergic to end of semesters or vacation times (summer, spring break, Christmas break). I fight the "it doesn't seem fair" attitude because I so look forward to these breaks to spend with my girls and the last thing I want is to spend them in bed like I did in December. Can you tell December left a bad taste in my mouth? Out of this entire journey it has been the worst month for me mentally, spiritually and physically. 

What I began to notice with the headaches was that they weren't responding to meds so I felt they had to be more due to toxicity. About this time I had begun to get an appetite back from months of having a strong aversion to food so I was eating what ever sounded good just to get food in my body. But the wrong food increases toxicity. So, I began to focus more on right foods to decrease the toxicity and the headaches slowly decreased. The other thing I think that is knocking me down is the heat. My girls are on a swim team and we have practice 4 days a week and even though I would sit in the shade I think the heat was just zapping me, especially at the first swim meet.  Any amount in the sun just zaps me completely. I have also been "running around" a little more then usual, trying not to be sedentary because of the heart and because I want to be doing things but it also zaps me and when I get going I get run down. There has got to be a happy medium somewhere but I haven't found it.  Then when you put in the mix my bucket head symptom, I go nuts.

This last week Chris was out of town at youth camp. For the first time in 18 month of treatment he didn't arrange "babysitters" for me. I am always nervous when he goes out of town. Its a sense of not being able to handle everything on so many levels.  I began praying about it a couple weeks before he left. I don't like asking for help. If someone offers I will gladly take it but I'm so tired of asking for help. I want to much to be a functioning mommy/wife. I see so much of things that need to be done and that I want to do around the house but just don't have the strength and stamina to do them and it drives me crazy lately.   I'm better off really sick in bed because then I don't care but when I'm this middle stuff where I'm well enough to be up but not well enough to fully function its like a tease. 

A couple days before Chris left a friend of mine offered to take the girls to swim practice this week for me so I wouldn't have to sit out in the heat. At first I did not like the idea because I love being there with my girls, for my girls, watching them. I want to be there for them as much as possible knowing there will be days I won't feel well (like the week of headaches/migraines) and can't be there. But the more I thought about it the more I knew it was the smart thing to do. I also struggle with allowing someone else to go out of there way to help me...was it guilt? I don't know...it was uncomfortable is all I know. But the more I thought about it the more I knew it was the best thing to do. With Chris gone, I needed to reserve energy, and with him gone I would have no relief or break or reprieve. So, reluctantly, I said yes and I hated staying home and missing their swim practice and not getting to watch them swim but knew it was best for my health and knew it would give me more strength for their swim meet later in the week.  

God also provided another friend to take the girls to the library one day. Again, I felt guilty but allowed the blessing and tried to store the energy and but all the while I sat at home doing tail spins. I like my chickens at home with me. I'm not much use at home alone either. I think too much and I can't dive in to any of the projects that have been yelling my name for over 18 months. That would defeat that whole, "save your energy" idea.  God also provided another person to bring us a meal Friday so all I had to do was heat it up after getting home late with the girls after Becka's gymnastics. As the end of the week came I was so thankful for what God allowed for me. He allowed me to feel well enough this week that I wasn't in bed, I wasn't herxing this week. He allowed me to enjoy my girls. We made cookies together for them share at the swim meet (its been so long since we made cookies together). They helped me a lot. We got into a rhythm where Maddie emptied the silverware of the dishwasher and I did the rest while Becka washed dishes (that kid loves to wash dishes...she hates to put anything in the dishwasher). I didn't do great this week as there was one day I forgot to eat because I was so busy (the day we made cookies and I had to pack dinners for the swim meet) and I forgot two days of my shot, but God allowed me to be more functional this week while Chris was gone then I have been in a long time. I felt crummy but functional. I can handle crummy most of the time if I can just function. I get a little crabby by the end of the day, but I can handle crummy if I can function. 

Before Chris left he had a female leader back out and I was trying so hard to figure out how I could go to camp. Even a couple weeks before that I was trying to figure out how I could go. I can drive a van. I can lead a bible study.....but thats about it. The kids need more then that. It stinks! I want to be more then that. This time last year we said I would go this summer and here we are and I'm not going and we are saying, "next year". Ugh. Chris and I laughed because I can barely get ready for church without getting bucket head and if allowed to persist without lying down it gets painful in the ears. It is so frustrating to look normal and not be.

I look back at this week and see God's hand and how he sustained me but its like it ended at midnight last night because I get up this morning to get the girls and I ready for church and I'm falling apart left and right. I step on the scale to find I've lost two more pounds. I'm 6 pounds less then the last time the doctor saw me and she said she didn't want me losing any more. I step in the shower and I'm scare out of my whazoo at a brown clump on the floor. Its a wad big wad of hair. I had noticed in the last week or so that my hair was falling out again. It seemed like I was filling a brush each morning. This morning in the shower I had locks of hair just coming out. Now I know why the wad of hair in the shower. This didn't help. In the middle of the shower I just emotionally just bend over and fall apart as if I had been pretending all week, or holding my breath all week and now reality was hitting or someone hit me on my back and a big gust of air came in only I couldn't breathe. What was going on? Where was God's sustenance this morning? I would think of all mornings, He would provide this morning so I could get to church and worship? Yet, I know I'm under attack. I'm emotionally a wreck. But as long as I am physically feeling well enough, I am going to church. I may ball off and on and be an emotional mess, but I am going to church. People at church already know I'm weird. But today has just been one of those days where everything has culminated together where I just feel isolated. Chris is in his own world, off saving the world, as I put it. and I want so much to be a part of it, to serve with him and I'm not. Its not where God has me and I'm really struggling with that right now. I feel stuck in my four walls. Again, at church I have well meaning people say, "you look great" and especially after a morning like this morning its all I can do to not just scream!  I guess I should be thankful I look great (thats God shining through me because I'm happy to be in His house and to be around people not because I am whole and healthy) but its difficult to be thankful for something you don't believe. 

I guess there is this raging unsettledness. I wouldn't trade Lyme in for the world. Its ugly, its been mean (that's putting nicely), it has stolen from me,....in all better terms, it wasn't my plan. But through it I have a closer relationship with God, I have grown as a person, I see some things clearer and don't want to go back to some things before treatment days, and my family has grown together in so many ways. Yes, we have struggled too, but I think we have grown more and I'll take that.  I want to be content where God has me, I really do. But the human side still itches and yearns for her plan and right now just itches to get out there and be involved.  I simply want to function as a wife, mom and  woman of my church and don't feel that is too much to ask of God. I have a heart for girls ministry and to serve with my husband. I have a desire to go beyond pew warmer on Sunday mornings. But I also know my God knows me better then I know me and I know He has a plan and He is still training me to follow His plan and not my own.   I feel like a race horse in the stall waiting for the door to fly open so I can run the race with God as my jockey. I'm antsy. I'm anxious. I know there is a race. The race of my life. I know who is in control. But dad gommit...when will they open the gate and let me go! Yup! That's about the best way I can sum it up.