At My Rope's End Again

I really don't like it when I get like this.  I'm at a place right now where I feel I am at my rope's end.  The only way I know to work through times like this is to blog. Yet, in the back of my head I hear a small voice saying, "People don't want to hear about it Elizabeth".  So true. But I blog today to vent and get it out in hopes I can feel better and move on with my day.
Today, its a worthless feeling.  An "unimportant" feeling.  I hate this feeling.  You would think by now that I would recognize this feeling as satan and his lies.  But, sometimes its easier to believe the lies in living forms like people around you, than it is to believe and trust the words in the living book, the Bible.  Even though, in your heart, you know the truth.  I wish I could be more candid today as I would like but I won't in my attempt to spare someone else's feelings or to give some situations a chance to work themselves out.
My day started off "normal"... if there is such a thing.  Some mornings I feel better than others and today I woke up feeling "okay", not bad.  I started doing school with the girls and my day took a turn for the worse.  I have a child that can be so strong and determined to do her best one day, and the next day just appear to completely give up.  Tuesday she tested my patience with school and Chris and I talked and agreed on the consequences for her actions.  Wednesday, I had my strong, determined girl back.  Today, she had the attitude of giving up and even as I am telling her to write something in my attempt to help but not do it for her, she refused.  I don't have patience for this, especially when my patience has been eaten up by bacteria.  I am racking my brain to try to understand her and at the same time feeling like a complete failure as a mom and as her teacher.  More consequences were doled out which included being sent to her room to finish school.
I was trying to do the dishes in the sink (one handed with one arm out of service) and my mind is flooded with one person or situation after another and with each one I felt more worthless, more unimportant, completely useless.  Yes, I thought, according to this world's standards I am worthless, unimportant and useless.  My next thought was, "go to the bible and talk to God who made you and will never think you are worthless.
As I write this tears form in my eyes because it wasn't till I just typed those words that I realized a connection between what happened this morning and how I am feeling and God's word.  You see, even though my child made poor choices this morning and frustrated me to no end, I still love her as much as I did the day I knew I was carrying her.  But people are not as kind.  You "mess up" once or they don't agree with something you have said or done and there opinion of you has changed.  The chances of that opinion changing was slim.  As a human race we are very unforgiving.  First impressions are strong and lasting and how people think about you will color how they interpret what you say, do or write.  I think the problem lies in whether we have invested enough in a person to truly know them.  Some people are not easy to get to know and we sometimes don't allow people close enough so they can get to know us.  Either way, if there is an investment there would you be as likely to easily toss it aside?
I think the most important things in life are people, relationships.  Everything else is just "stuff"...it has no meaning in the grand scheme of things.  And yet, we are quicker, as humans, to cling to the "stuff" and throw away the people or relationships.  We will work our whole lives to acquire some "thing" and not spend any time to acquire a relationship.  We will spend an entire lifetime building up our bank account or business or career but aren't willing to invest in the people or relationships in our lives.  People go to heaven.  All else fades away.
Once again I have blogged intending to vent, although feeling extremely limited today since my feelings were about people, some who might read this, and once again God has taken it and shown me something.  All at the same time leaving me with my original feelings.  I am still very hurt by people in my life.  I feel they have failed me. I once again am questioning the definition of a true friend.  But, once again, my eyes are directed upward where things never change and where I am never failed.  No matter what I know where I stand with Him....just as my daughter stand with me.  He may not like my choices but I know He will always love me just as much as He did when He created me.
I know that part of God's big picture in this journey through Lyme is to break me down physically and emotionally, till I completely accept and surrender that all I ever need is Him.  All else will fail me.  All else is unreliable.  But if I would just learn to turn to Him for everything I need, I would never be disappointed again.  So much easier said than done for this woman who has been so strong and independent all her life.