II am working through coming to grips with a new realization.  I need help.  Thats my realization.  I don't like it.  Because of my childhood, I grew up very independent.  I have been an independent woman.  This worked well for me till I got married.  This is when my independence was first challenged. If things didn't get done, I did them.  But my second year into my marriage my husband and I got into our first really big "fight" (and I'm not sure we have had one since to this level) and what it came down to was he needed to step up to the Godly leader God designed him to be and I needed to back off and let him.  So very difficult for this independent woman to do, but through the years I have continued to learn this lesson, just on different levels.  Like working with numbers....in one grade you learn to add them, and the next grade you learn to subtract them, each year adding on to what you already new but taking it a step further.  I don't want to claim I have learned this lesson completely or I'm afraid God will show me otherwise. 

I saw my independence challenged again in my job as I tried to prove I was capable and just as good as the next guy and was continually told I wasn't there yet.  I had a difficult time accepting this.  I look back on the last five years and can see where I have tried holding onto my independence as my skills began to decline.  Its not easy to accept that I need help cutting my meat. It wasn't easy accepting that I couldn't play the piano like I used to.  The mind can do funny tricks.  I began questioning whether I ever played like I thought I did.  But I knew I used to be able to cut my own meat.

I knew about 2 years ago, when I prayed and prayed God would heal whatever was wrong with my hands and He didn't, that God was taking me through something to guide me to fully rely on Him.  I don't remember when it fully hit me but I remember when I came to realize that I didn't fully trust Him and I didn't completely rely on Him.  I knew this wasn't good, nor how He wanted it to be.  But I still relied on my own "skills", both mental and physical to get me through things.

Sometime last year in the midst of selling the house and trying to do things on my own I noticed I got frustrated a lot easier.  Fall started and so did school and my patience was depleted.  Slowly I have been more unable to do for myself and more frustrated that I can't do and be what I used to do and be.  

Last fall I noticed I couldn't keep up with the house work and I couldn't explain it.  I remember just beating myself up for it. "Get a grip, Elizabeth", "Pull it together"...but I tried and it just gradually got worse.  I would almost get caught up and than have a couple bad days physically and I'd be behind again.  When we were told it was a muscle disorder I began to give myself a little slack but not a whole lot.  I was still trying to do things on my own, not wanting to admit I needed help with some things.

Then in October I took another turn for the worse and I really struggled with keeping up with the demands of life.  I remember asking Chris what he thought about someone coming in once or twice month to clean house, but both of us knew we couldn't really afford it. 

My frustration levels soared higher as I tried to everything on my own.  January we got the Lyme Disease verdict and since then I have been piecing things together. Things started to make since but God had more in store.  I was so glad we had an answer but little did I know how complicated it was going to be.  Its not like a car, where, once you know what is wrong you order the parts and fix it.  Oh that would be nice. It has been one struggle after another, escalating the frustration level.  I would get up in the morning happy but within and hour or two be in a bad mood as I tried to do things, normal run of the life and day things, and would find difficulty in doing them...in being independent.  I couldn't figure out why I was always so frustrated.  This wasn't like me.  Where did I go?  

Everything I had read about chronic Lyme said the best defense was antibiotic through IV.  We find a doctor two weeks ago in Houston that will help with Lyme and she prescribes an IV.  I'm thinking, "okay, now we can get this rockin' and rollin'". I knew it wouldn't be "easy" or "fun"...nothing has been that way for years but if this is what research said was my best defense in fighting Lyme than thats what I wanted. If you had cancer wouldn't you want what was the best in getting rid of the cancer?  You go through the period of being angry at it and wanting to fight it with all you have so you can move on with your life and be what you once were.

At first we were told it would be in the left upper arm.  No problem.  Can't get it wet, keep it clean....this wasn't new because we went through similar limitations with the muscle biopsy incision.  Then we go in to have the midline put in and they can't put it in the left arm because they can't find a vein.  They put it in the right arm, in the crook of the arm.  Then I am told that the longevity of this midline is determined by how much I use my arm.  Basically, I was told to avoid using it.  Hello, its my right arm....I'm right handed.  

The first couple days went okay since Chris was home and they were over the weekend. Then Tuesday hit and the challenge began and the frustration level went up again.

I came to the realization this last Monday that I can't do it by myself.  There is a part of me that knew that and could tell you that but then wouldn't let anyone help me because that challenged my independence.  I finally understood my grandmother when my parents went out to stay with her and "help" her while my aunt and uncle were out of town.  She felt they were guests and she needed to be a good hostess.  I felt the same thing when my parents came to Texas to "help" me.  I was so looking forward to the help...some relief but when they got here I was all mixed up inside.  In the end, I think I sent mixed signals.  On one hand I will push myself way beyond my limits just so I can be independent.  On the hand I get frustrated that I don't have any help.  It stinks not being able to do for yourself.  I know I am not going to welcome old age with open arms.  I know I have struggled with asking for help in the past.  Part of it is when I did ask for help I got an ear full of why I didn't need help.  So, I crawled back inside and beat myself up again.."see, you really didn't need help", "why did you ask for help? There are worse people off than you..." Then we move to a new city and new church and the last thing you want to do is appear as if you need help, much less ask for it.  Then, the more I needed help the more upset I get that people don't see I need help.  Monday, God showed me that I really do need help and I need to ask for help.  Yuck!  A dear woman from the church asked if she could come over and help and I gladly accepted.  This is what I needed, right?  But then why do I struggle when she gets here?  I wanted to help her help me.  I felt uncomfortable that she was doing things I should be able to do and keep up with.  I was embarrassed. Why is it so difficult to allow people to help us?  Why do we feel we have to act as if we have it all together and under control?

I believe the lesson in this is God showing me if I am going to rely on myself, I'm not going to get very far.  My body and mind is failing (all of ours are).  His isn't!  When all else fails me, including people, He won't.  If I will fully trust Him and rely on Him, He will work everything else out.  There is no other person I would rather trust and rely on, especially since He is in control of everything anyway.  It doesn't make the struggle to surrender and let go any easier.  Thirty some years of relying on myself and doing it myself.  Its an old habit to break.  

So, I start by saying......Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I need help :)  I appear to have it all together but I don't.  I appear to not need help but I do.  I will be weird and uncomfortable if you try to help me and I am sorry.  I understand I have a choice right now. I can either be frustrated all the time because I can't do it by myself anymore or I can learn to rely and trust on God....and learn to ask for help.