It has been a rough few days.  I had the pressure on myself that today needed to be better since Chris goes back to work and the girls have school and their activities.  It didn't happen.  I had a rough nights sleep, which I haven't slept well the last several nights.  I got up around 5 for my nightly visit to the bathroom and discovered that almost every joint and muscle in my body hurt.  I crawled back into bed hoping when I got up again it will have disappeared...been a bad dream.  Nope! Didn't happen.
Today is day 4 in bed. Last Monday the headaches started. Then Friday I began to feel bad and wanting to be in bed and each day since has gotten worse.  Chris and I weren't horribly surprised since the weekends are when I take the Flagyl and each weekend it goes up in dose.  This last weekend and the coming weekend are the biggest.  Yesterday the nausea was pretty bad. My body isn't happy if its vertical but its not like I  crash when I am horizontal either. Chris had some Phenergin from when he was sick back in November and I took some yesterday in hopes it would calm my nausea and knock me out.  It helped with the nausea but it didn't knock me out.  All weekend my legs felt heavy and unstable, my head throbbed and I was nauseated.  No appetite and it has been all I can do to get food down but I know I must to support the meds going into my body. My feet and hands are freezing but the rest of me is hot.  I can wake up from a nap sweating but still have feet that are freezing.
Today, I have all of the above only now with pain.  The joints and muscles that hurt and struggled before I saw Dr. Kolodjski now scream out in pain once again.  There is absolutely no energy but I can't sleep either.  If I even try to move it is met with pain.  If I hold still things aren't as bad, but the nausea was so bad this morning it challenged my  breakfast and wouldn't let up even after I layed down.  I took another Phenergin this morning and it calmed it down.  My headaches do not respond to advil nor does the rest of my pain.  If the pain gets much worse I will be begging for something stronger than advil.
The good news in all this is Chris and I think this is our first herxheimer reaction.  That is, the body is reacting to toxins put off by dead bacteria.  If this is the case, then the meds are working and bacteria is dying.  That is cause for celebration in my book!!! (where's the chips and salsa?)  We got our first labs back from being on the IV and they are all good. We are a little confused by one that is supposedly not back that we thought had already been done so we need to put a call into the doctor.  So far the labs and the IV are doing well and we get to continue which is all good news especially if they are working.
I was laying in bed this morning (can't do much else) and thinking how things never turn out like you think they will.  We were looking for what was described to us and "flu-like symptoms" with fever, chills and headache.  It wasn't till I picked up my book again last night and read that the authors herx was not with fever and headache but with worsening of his Lyme symptoms.  Though I am leery to say this is a herx as to not be disappointed if told by a professional that it isn't, I believe we are making progress.  Weird to be saying that when I am so miserable today but as this author wrote, "If you are getting worse or getting better than you are making progress.  If you are staying the same than something isn't working".  Chris and I are hoping that the meds have finally made some bacteria mad.  This thought on expectations made me think about the Jews and their expectations they had of the Messiah.  What they expected and what God planned were totally different and as a result the Jews, and many others, have missed Jesus.  Our pastor did a great sermon Easter morning. I am so glad I was able to be there and hear it. It followed me to my thoughts earlier today.  Why the Jews missed Jesus and why we shouldn't miss Jesus today.  Expectations.  So I asked myself...where is the median between planning and having expectations and not planning and having expecations at all?
As I faced each minute today I felt God's hand on me calming me down. Yes, I was in pain and I wondered who would take care of my children today.  They have expecations too. A year or two ago I would have fretted up a storm but today I rested in one fact. My God has everything under control. Oh, I knew that a year ago but I was still trying (and was a little more able) to do things on my own. But the peace that comes when you actually surrender to it is incredible and strengthening! Be still and know He is God. Not easy to do in our world and with our expectations.  God reveals himself in mighty ways when we are in the desert and for some its the only time we will slow down and listen and drop the expectations.