Heavy Heart

Sunday, October 3, 2010

My heart is heavy today full of questions and thoughts. One thought that came today while in church is that I am dry and am in need of water.   I am in need of encouragement for sure.  I'm sure this goes along with "need a break" in some way but when that can't happen right away what do you do?

The last 3 weeks have been challenging health wise in not feeling well. The constant roller coaster leaves me struggling emotionally.  I am so thankful for the days I don't feel as bad.  Yesterday was one of those and after 3 weekends of being down and able to go to church, I felt encouraged that I felt as well as I did.  But the brain interprets that as, "you're getting better" aka the bad days are behind you.  Then I have a challenging day and I feel knocked down again.  Most diseases and illnesses have a gradual get better when they are healing but not Lyme. It stays true to its track record and is difficult in that process as well.

Today my heart is heavy in trying to be obedient to God and feeling like the more I am obedient the tougher life gets.  Chris and I made a decision out of obedience and it has had a rippling effect with other people and not in a good way.  It is not easy, and it will never be easy, to be obedient to God because God is not of this world and, therefore, what He asks us to do will seem "crazy" in the world's standards and most times feels impossible to follow through on.  What prevents me from obeying is that I am more concerned what other people will think.  I don't like going against the grain, so to say.  I like being peaceful and honestly would prefer to be quiet and invisible so as to not cause any ripples.  However, being a Christian we are called to be different and are told that we are not of this world, that this world is not our home, that we are foreigners in this place.  Our true home is heaven.

I have never felt more a foreigner then I have in the last 18 months. The tough thing is I feel more a foreigner in my own family (those outside my house) and my church then anywhere else.  Maybe because thats where I am mostly judged and misunderstood ironically. 

I felt pretty good yesterday, getting three weeks of clothes put away but then I was wiped out.  We had a special dinner last night where we honor the widows in our church.  I was nervous going.  I don't like these social atmospheres due to the decline in my mind.  I don't remember things, and I don't process well and so I usually end up looking like a baffling idiot and offending someone with my blank looks or lack or remembering something.  I also needed to talk to someone who had been offended in our act of obedience to God.  Its also in these situations where people ask questions that wouldn't normally ask questions, and the last thing I felt like talking about was Lyme.  The night was about our widows and not me.  In a whole, the evening went okay but about half way through I started feeling bad, crashing.  By the time we got home, a mere 8:30, I was done.  I felt horrible, having 3 head episodes in a row and feeling frustrated because I wanted to go to church, having not been there the last 3 weeks.

But this morning came and by the time I got to church with the girls, all I wanted to do was go home.  I had a conversation with a church member that didn't turn out pleasant due to miscommunication and by the time I got down to the youth room I was emotionally fragile, just wanting to go home and bask in God's presence by myself.  We had missionary partners speaking today and I wanted to listen but I also wanted to just go home.  I was afraid if anyone asked, "how are you doing?" I would fall apart and that just wouldn't do.  I already feel that several hold opinions of me based off of what they have heard from others and not based off of true investment of me and my family.  Me breaking down would just add another dart to the "Elizabeth is weird" dart board.  This morning I felt like no matter what I do or don't do I can't win.  I try to just be me but its met with critical eyes. The frustrating thing is that this church, these people, have only seen the "sick" me and unfortunately, the sickest me.  Unless they have taken the time to get to know us, and few have reached beyond the superficial, they don't know the true us beyond the Lyme green layer.  This hurts tremendously. I guess the reason it hurts so badly is because I came to Simonton with high hopes of getting involved, serving, and building new relationships and anything but has happened.  My plan didn't happen and I struggle in seeing where God's plan is better.

So, I sat there this morning listening to this 17 year old talk of being a missionary's daughter and growing up as one in Venezuela and I was floored by her confidence and her ability to put into words her relationship with God.  She brought up a verse in Matthew about being the salt of the earth if that salt loses its flavor and I was hit with overwhelming feelings as my heart cried out to God telling Him that I felt like salt that had lost its flavor and had been cast off to the left, useless.  I just don't see how where I am is useful at all.  How does where I am at right now glorify Him, and do anything for His kindgdom? I feel a tug to get up and go home as my eyes fill up and I don't want anyone to see me "lose it".  After sunday school I go to pick up my girls and I never make it to their room as I am stopped by a couple women.  I am torn between wanting to pick up my girls and get to church on time (I hate my girls being the last ones picked up or when they are and the teachers have to bring them out so they can go to church) and being a listening ear.  I feel torn because in my effort to be caring I am interpreted as being nosy and yet if I don't ask how others are doing, I will never find out and I am interpreted as being selfish and self centered.  Again, no win either way.  

The girls and I are late to church.  I'm thankful that the front row is taken (where Becka and Maddie always want to sit...I would in any other church but not here as a pastor's wife) but I couldn't see where  we could just sneak in and sit down without being noticed.  We find a place in the middle of a row and wouldn't you know between girls that need to go potty (I should have taken them before going into the service) and going up front for something as a family and for something else I don't remember, we had to ask this poor lady and her children 3 times to excuse us.  Not my idea of being invisible.  All through the service I hear our pastor talking about obedience and I'm having conversation after conversation with God about why, after its been preached about for weeks now (and I hadn't been there) were people having such a difficult time when our family makes a decision out of obedience? 

By the time we got home I was exhausted.  Bless my poor husband as he comes in the door.  He caringly takes off his tie and sits down by me and allows me to ball and vent my feelings.

I came to the realization today that church has changed for me and it saddens me.  I have never, in my entire Christian years, not wanted to go to church but today I fought not wanting to be at church.  I wanted to be home where I can sing my praise songs and people don't stare at me or turn around to see who is singing, and I can bask in God's word without a distraction....and all done in my pj's.  Today I wanted God all to myself. I didn't want to share Him with anyone and I just wanted to be invisible. I will say that since April I have been moved at church by the spirit which always results in crying as I am moved so deeply by what He is doing in my life.  I so don't like others seeing me cry because its always intrepreted in other ways.  This morning I was burdened with a continuous thought of, "what if I want them to see you break down and cry? Maybe then others will open up and be real as well." and I picture that dart board with more darts then it can hold and I begin to plead with God to "send" someone else. I struggle being a pastor's wife.  There is a bubble whether I want it to exist or not.  I don't say that because I am conceited or self centered.  I truly would rather be invisible. But the fact is, if I'm gone they notice and if I'm there they notice, and the Lyme disease makes it even more so.  If Chris weren't a pastor and I wasn't sick, I think I could go and not be noticed as much.  I am very uncomfortable in the clothes God has on me right now.