Herxing

Saturday night I didn't feel well but Sunday wasn't too bad. Monday I didn't feel great and then it went down hill from there.  Wednesday, I didn't feel well and was beating myself up for it until I woke up from nap time and my back was killing me. Then it hit me....this is a herx.  Yesterday found myself in bed all day and today has been worse.  The pain is incredible and the really stinky thing about a herx is the pain responds to very little and its very difficult to sleep, though all you can do is lay in bed.  Today it was very difficult to find a position where there wasn't something screaming at me.  Almost every major joint is mad and I'm begging to be put out until its over.  Yesterday I was able to take a Soma and sleep the entire day. Not so today.  I layed in bed hour on hour and every little noise sends the body jumping as if someone jumped out from behind a corner and said, "boo".  Of course, then, I have to start all over in trying to sleep.  I tried a pain med hoping it would relieve some of the pain and knock me out. Nope. So, then I asked Chris for a Soma in hopes it would knock me out again like yesterday. Nope.  It brings a new meaning and understanding to "bump on a log"....literally.
It has been a while since I have had a herx this rough.  I am hoping today was the peak of it and tomorrow will bring relief.  If not, tomorrow will be worse...at least that has been the track records of my herxes.
It has been frustrating because I didn't feel well for several weeks and then I had a couple days where it wasn't so bad. I try to catch up on things but before I get completely caught up I am knocked back down.  Its that, one step forward and two steps back feeling.  I worry about Chris and his work because people truly do not understand, especially when I was in church on  Sunday and I "look good".  I have found myself completely frustrated by the lack of understanding and desire to understand or make any effort to understand by family, friends and otherwise. There are those that just don't care anymore because this has carried on past their timetable.  There are those that expect me to make all the effort to keep peace and do and act and function as a normal person and yet I can't.  Just this week I was hurt when asked what a herx is and by another that laughed when I mentioned trying to be good by taking naps. I don't talk to many, and I share with even less the things that mean something, so its not as if I share everything with everyone. But with very few do I mention certain things thinking that they will support us and it hurts when the above happens.
I will cling to my God who does not judge and criticize me, but who cares deeply and is with me at all times.   I will be thankful that I have a husband that loves me (I have yet to figure that out) and has stuck by me through all this.  I prayed in college that God would show me His unconditional love that I hear people talk of and He put Chris in my life.  Chris has loved me unconditionally with no strings attached. I am blessed with two beautiful girls that amaze me day in and day out.  I am blessed to watch them grow and learn and play together and am blessed that God has called us to homeschool (though I don't understand why).  I wouldn't trade that time for the world.  Chris and I figured out one night that because I homeschool, that the hours I get with them where they would normally be in school with someone else, equals to 90 extra days a year.  I get 3 months extra with my girls that a typical mom does not.  There are days where I am pulling my hair out but I still wouldn't trade them for the world.  So, I find myself being very thankful for the family I have living inside these walls when the rest of the world is being fickle outside these walls.  I am thankful that peace, love and comfort reign inside these walls.  I am thankful that God has kept us together and has kept 3 out 4 healthy and strong and that the one battling a disease He has been so gracious as to allow her to feel well enough to enjoy her family and homeschool her girls.  God's blessings reign and I will look to them when all else is crazy and when others don't understand. At least I understand that I may never understand what all is going on but I do know and grow in understanding the One who understands all and still loves me. May He somehow be glorified in some way through any part of this Lyme green mess.