Come To The Water

Thought I would blog about what is going on on the outside as well as on the inside.  The days continue to be challenging and the more they are challenging the more it is challenging on the inside.  I don't do well with long periods of pain and between headaches and muscle cramps, joint stiffness and leg tenderness I am hurting somewhere it seems at all times.  The headaches have been pretty debilitating this last week.  By the end of the day the episodes of sharp pain above the right ear really wear on me.  As usual, coming up on an appointment, we have our questions we hope to get answers to.  One problem we have is that the last time we had an appointment they got up in arms about the shoulder pain (after blowing it off the appointment before that) and said they were calling Dr. Riley's office to get copies of MRI's done.  We never did hear back from them and my intution (which is rarely wrong) said to contact Dr. Riley's office and get them anyway...including the xray films.  Dr. Riley's office claims they never heard from Dr. Salvato's office.  Very interesting.  Leaves me feeling really insecure in my medical care.  Ah, this too I must deliver to God to handle.

This week has been exceptionally difficult not only physically but extremely difficult emotionally.  I tend to think of valley's as beautiful but this has been anything but.  A couple weeks ago my father brought up the depression topic and I very confidently said I wasn't.  Probably not 2 minutes after that conversation things got rough (almost as if satan laughed and said, "we see about that").  We got back from our wonderful getaway and things got rough.  I'm feeling so run down again I need another getaway.  While away I was so drawn to the water.  

I don't know what it is about water and if it the same for others or different for others.  But all I wanted to do was stay on the beach and listen to the water till I am free (in remission) from Lyme.  Obviously, not very feasible without extreme consequences.  :0

So I am processing in my mind (always...its never quiet...no, I don't hear voices...it's just always going...there was a time back in April and May where it was quiet....ah, silence) how can I get "water" at home?  I have a counseling session this last Monday and after Thursday where I fell apart and Friday, learning about a friend who passed away, and being in bed all weekend I was really ready to talk to someone where I didn't have to worry about what they thought.  After balling practically the entire hour she told me to go to my happy place.  This is a place we established 3 years ago.  We haven't "gone there" in I don't know how long (thanks to my memory) but to hear her say those words was like ointment on an open wound...soothing.  She asked me if I remember where it is. Oh yes!  Why hadn't I thought of this before?

As a kid I used to go to camp each summer.  It was a bible camp. I don't remember the name of it. But I loved it there.  I thought it was in Wetmore, Colorado but now I can't find Wetmore on a map.  This place had nothing on the camps the youth go to today.  It had horses (right up my alley) and fishing.  That's about it.  The boys dorm was on one side and the girls on the other with a meeting room (small) in the middle and the dining hall behind that.  There are some great memories (what I can remember) there.  One of the things that stands out to me was a bubbling brook, in the woods along a hiking trail that we took to and back to the lake.  The water was cold and crisp and we were told that is was fresh and drinkable.  I don't know why but I remember a rusty metal object in the middle of the brook.  But I remember the sound of it more, and I remember the cold and refreshing water in our hands.  I remember how the sunlight would peek in between the tall pine trees....mostly shake with clusters of bright, warm sunlight.

As I close my eyes and try to go to my "happy place" I find it difficult to stay there.  My mind kept drawing me away to other thoughts, any thoughts, piddly thoughts and I wanted to stay on the bank of this bubbly brook.  The brief moments I was there I felt my soul crying, "quiet, peace, water. I want quiet, peace and water."  Oh, how my soul yearns for these.  I'm processing this on the way home...I have an hour drive.  The last at least 3 times I have gone to see my counselor I have set my ipod to repeat through 2 songs, sometimes 3.  They are the 3 songs I listed in an earlier blog when I do church in bed.  One of the songs I'm supposed to sing in church the Sunday Chris preaches.  These songs are my hearts cry!  As I am singing through them, over and over and over I'm driving through countryside.  There is an area where I turn a sharp corner and it straightens to reveal open pastures on both sides of me.  It is here that I have encountered a crop dusting plane.  The first time I saw it sweeping down and then back up, and then over the road right behind my car, my breath was taken away with the rumbling sound of a single engine plane.  So much so that I crave to see it again every time I drive through this spot.  I was so blessed to see it, though in the distance, this last visit.  There is something so freeing when I see it.  I can't explain what it is but it is soothing for the soul.

(picture in no way does the experience justice but there is only so much you can do while you are driving :-)   )

It was during this drive home that I realized something.  I had felt God saying, "come to the water".....I realized this morning that its one of Maddie's memory verses...she can quote it to you verse and address, but I can only quote the verse...."Come to me, all those who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest".  I know that God often refers to Himself and His word as being "water".  So, here is this "water" theme, uh, more message, being played out in my life.  Chris is preaching on Luke 7 about the woman weeping and washing Jesus' feet with her tears. Oh, wow!  The picture this takes on right now!  Basically, we should be so captivated by Jesus and His love and our salvation that out of that flows our service and life.  One of the songs I sing is Captivate Us by Watermark.  I originally wanted to sing it the Sunday Chris preaches. It will be sung by someone else.  But it is one of the two songs I listen to over and over and over and my heart cries out the words.  So, I'm singing them in the car, driving and God starts showing me how my heart's cry to Him is being answered.  The words are:

Your face is beautiful

And Your eyes are like the stars.

Your gentle hands have healing

There inside the scars.

Your loving arms they draw me near

And You smile it brings me peace.

Draw me closer oh my Lord,

Draw me closer Lord to thee.

And captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing River, 

Draw us nearer.

Holy fountain consume us with you.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

Your voice is powerful,

And Your words are radiant bright.

In Your breath and shadow,

I will come close and abide.

You whisper love and life divine,

And your fellowship is free

Draw me closer, oh my Lord.

Draw me closer Lord to thee.

And captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing River, draw us nearer.

Holy fountain consume us with You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

And let everything be lost in the shadow,

Of the light of Your face.

And let every chain,

Be broken from me,

As I'm bound in Your grace.

For Your yoke is easy,

Your burden is light.

Your full of wisdom, power and might,

And every eye, will see You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus,

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing river, draw us nearer,

Holy fountain consume us with You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

As this is coming together the other song cycles around and this is the one that decided I would sing that Sunday.  I wish I could sing both of them but I don't want that much "limelight" (no pun intended) especially since I am not there every Sunday....I don't want to all of sudden be there and, oh, by the way she is singing all the songs.  Now, if I were singing them from the choir rehearsal hall and it was being piped out to the sanctuary that might be one thing but I don't like the attention.  Again, I'd rather show up to church invisible or clear (Chris calls "clear" a color) and worship my Lord. So, here I am singing through the second song and as I am singing the simple words I realize that my hearts cry is being answered again.  "The More I Seek You" sung by Kari Jobe:

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I find You

The more I love You

I want to sit at your feet

Drink from the cup in your hand

Lay back against you and breathe

Feel your heartbeat

This love is so deep

Its more than I can stand

I melt in your peace

Its overwhelming

It sings through it several times.  There's the picture again, only instead of the girl in the bible weeping and washing Jesus' feet with her hair, I have always pictured me at Jesus' feet, in awe, where nothing else in the world matters, and oh, the comfort that is felt being that close to Him that I can feel His heartbeat.   Even as I write tonight there are connections being made.  

I feel God has been calling me to Him. He is my water, His word is my water and my soul thirsts for Him and when I seek Him I will find Him and He is all I need.  This is what I get, but this is so difficult to do. I got excited as I was driving home and making these connections (aka "listening") and thought, "you know, I want to go home and look up every verse that has to do with water".  Has it happened? No.  I do find it interesting that since Monday, I once again wound up in bed all day yesterday.  I though it was from doing to much Monday with Chris leaving town....but maybe not.  I don't know.  I don't put it past satan, and I also know thats how this disease works....it doesn't take much to knock me down.  I don't have a nap in the afternoon and I am dead and not good for anything the rest of the day and possibly the next.  How easily the world takes our attention away.  

We joke about how with either girls, but particularly more with one then the other, they are distracted and Chris and I will look at each other and say, "squirrel, squirrel, squirrel" and laugh.  Hello?  I am just the same.  

Oh how I wish I was this bubbly person, happy all the time, you would never know I was sick type of person.  I wish I didn't struggle with my current situation but was at peace with it and had a quiet heart before God about it.  I was this person several months ago and then August hit and something happened.  I don't know what, except maybe new expectations felt by others but mostly put on myself.  Maybe because I don't have an IV in the arm I have a difficult time remembering that I am not well, and so do others.  If left to my own devices and not tied down, I will self destruct if I'm not careful.  Thus, why I said months ago that with freedom comes responsibility.  Sometimes I think it would be easier to not have the freedom....but then when I am there I'm begging to be free again.  Good think God isn't ever tired out.

All I can say is I am learning.  I feel this is a time where God is working on a really stubborn layer and His chiseling is painful. But I would rather have the chiseling and His hand on my life then for Him to not be involved with my life at all.  Doing life under a lyme umbrella is difficult.  Whats on the other side of this disease must be beautiful for Him to be working on me so hard.  As a friend emailed me after my last blog, "Do you want to be tupperware or fine china"....oh fine china please to be used at the Lords banquet table.  Oh to be of use for Him.  That's my hearts cry.

Black and White

I am in the valley, though I think valleys can be beautiful, but I'm not feeling "beautiful" the last couple days. At the moment my heart is breaking, grieving, questioning, hurting, exhausted, yearning, confused, and down right in need of renovation. 

Last week my husband, two girls and I were blessed with 3 days to spend as a family away to a beach house in Matagorda.  A family in our church will never know what they did for me and my family to allow us to stay at their beach house.  The house backs up to the Colorado river and then about 2 miles down the road is the Gulf of Mexico and a public beach.  In the process of getting away I realized just how heavy these last months have been.  It was so nice to be freed from the heaviness for a couple days.  It was such a blessing and so freeing to have a couple days where I didn't worry about how my inabilities affect my responsibilities.  I didn't realize how much this weighed on me till we were down there and I was relieved of them.  Obviously, this is not something put on me by someone else, so to say, but more something I put on myself, but again, didn't realize till I step away from it all.

My husband allowed me to sleep in each morning.  He did all the cooking (he does most of it at home as well).  We spent two nights at the beach as the sun went down.  What therapy to watch my husband fish (something he loves to do and doesn't get to do it near enough) and watch my girls let loose and be fancy free as they kicked up their heels in the water, running back and forth on the beach. I can still hear their squeals.  I was looking at some pictures I took and I giggled because Madilyn in 95% of them is a blur.  She is constant motion.  It was so good to see my family free from how my inabilities affect them.  There was so much freedom in the 3 days. Free to just be without the stress of expectations, both imposed by others and self imposed.

There are no words to describe how therapeutic water is to me.  There has always been something so peaceful, and calming.  An ointment for the soul.  The sound of the waves rolling and hitting the beach was addicting. The sound of fish surfacing in the Colorado river and the water lapping up around and against the docks.  It is something so fresh, natural and untainted.  I stood on the beach watching and listening and wishing I never had to leave.  Wishing I could freeze frame the moment till I am well. I crave the water.

It was down at the beach house where I started to read another book by Elisabeth Elliot called "Keep a Quiet Heart".  I wanted to just read and read it and be alone with it and what it had to say.  Within the first pages I was able to pin down maybe a little of what I have been trying to figure out.  Since August I have struggled internally and not understanding how I can go from being so peaceful and accepting of what has been to just feeling antsy. In reading this book the best I can do is say that before August I had a quiet heart and since August my heart has been beating loudly, and anxiously...not literally, just not being able to find a peaceful "rhythm" as I had before August.  Why August?  I don't know.  Why the change?  Don't have a clue, but I am feeling very restless in my heart.  It is not at all at rest in God.

We came home Saturday afternoon hesitantly, wanting so badly to stay away.  It was difficult to jump back into the swing of "life". 

Yesterday I hit a brick wall and yesterdays Thursday was like day and night compared to last Thursday at the beach house.

Its weird because toward the end of the time with the IV I remember telling people that I had noticed that our bad days were decreasing and the not-so-bad days were out numbering the bad days.  Then things seemed to change as if laughing at my silly observation.  I had a string of weeks where I just didn't feel good.  Then a couple okay days and then the weekend before last I was hit with a pretty challenging herx that really caught us off guard.  It was at least half of what our very first herx reaction was.  At this point in the journey they shouldn't be so strong according to science.  My theory is, (I don't get paid very much for my theories) and it hit me after the last appointment and then after the last herx, that the IV treatment sent the bacteria into dormancy.  I remember reading that when it feels "threatened" it goes into dormancy.  During the IV treament we saw a huge decrease in symptoms, particularly the pain.  When we switched off of the IV, we saw a resurgence of symptoms. The doctor said she felt the bacteria was coming out of the tissues...thus not feeling as threatened, and there is a whole new group of exposed bacteria being hit with 2 out of the 3 antibiotics.  When the bacteria is in the tissues or in cyst form, it is very difficult, almost impossible to kill.  It makes sense to my feeble green brain that these newly exposed bacteria were attacked and killed, thus the big herx.  At least thats my theory and I am sticking to it. :-)

My days are, once again, filled with pain of some sort, and I just don't handle extended periods of pain.  Short, hey this is going to hurt for a second kind of of pain, but not day after day after day pain.  My legs have been the brunt of most of the pain.  The calf muscles, particularly the right, seems to be consistently cramped.  Both legs are extremely sensitive to the touch as if both legs are bruised up and down.  The right leg feels as if there is a tendon or nerve not happy from my hip, down the back of the leg to my foot.  They ache as if I run a marathon or work out with heavy weights every day.  I cringe if the girls come close and finding a comfortable position is challenging.  Crossing my legs in any fashion makes the cramping worse and if any part my legs is touch the chair or anything else it hurst.  I have notices this with my arms as well, just not to the extend of my legs.

The headaches have increased and the sharp pains above the right ear are numerous throughout the day.  It is usually left with a residual pain from the ear back and down the right side of the neck.  My neck consistently feels like it needs to be popped and the shoulder muscles are back to never being happy. And this is just half of it.  

Yesterday I had an extremely challenging day with the girls and school.  I was under a time crunch (mistake number one) because we had plans to meet some friends at the park.  Not getting anywhere with one child I buckled and lost it and I have been in a funk since.  I wanted to call someone for help but, not wanting to be a burden or appear as if I don't have it all together, I mark off each person in my head.  As a result, Chris gets the blunt of it all.  He has a job and a ministry and he has to deal with a sick and can't-pull-it-together wife.

It basically boils down to this: I don't see how living a life where I am more a harm or burden can be the will of God. How can I possibly be doing any good for His kingdom?  I feel the more I try, the more I fail.  The more I try to be who God wants me to be, the more I am reminded that I'm not.  The battle is exhausting.  As I'm shown in the last couple days in reading this book, I am convicted of how much I complain, how often I am in a mood and I want so much for others to not have to deal with that.  There is a struggle between being real and being a sour puss.  I feel my husband would be freed up to be a pastor if I weren't around. I feel the girls would learn better and be happier if I weren't around. I wanted to leave. I wanted to "release" them and anyone else from me.  It is very difficult to put into words but its basically a no good, tired of being a bump on a long feeling.  About all I'm good for is sitting around playing brainless games on my phone.  I wanted to give up. I'm tired of this song and dance, can't do it any more feeling.  I am frustrated as I pray and pray, and numerous other people are praying and I don't see and feel His strength.  I know I can't do it on what I have...I don't have anything left in me.  I know my strength has to come from Him. He is my only answer to functioning at all, being at all and I just don't see it.

Today we get word that a friend of ours died in his sleep last night.  He leaves behind a wife and 6 year old little girl who was Becka's first "best friend". He was a youth pastor and they are around our age.  It has gripped me all day.  My heart grieves, aches and is broken for this family.  I know he is with God but the pain left behind is so great and my heart is screaming for those bearing his loss.  I can't even imagine.  Between yesterdays melt down and today, my heart is conflicted. So many questions running through it. It has deepened my funk, my fog, my just surviving to get through the day.

I'm sitting here tonight with the girls in bed and Chris at church with a youth event and I can't bring myself to do anything.  I pick up the phone, play a couple mindless games and surf a little and before I know it I am listening to a song that I am supposed to sing in church in two weeks when Chris preaches. My heart just grabs on to the words.  It is my hearts cry!  Its what I yearn for....its what I was made for and even through this time of struggle when all I want to do is give up the fight I still feel my Lord reaching out for me and drawing me in and my soul can not deny the tie from my heart to God.  And I cry some more.  I want so badly to be able to sit at the piano and play and sing this song to my Lord and I cant. So torn between this world and my home....heaven, with my God, where all I want is to be at His feet. This drawing in, this yearning for Him, my heart cannot deny He exists and loves me.  So why so down casted? Why can't my heart and mind find peace and solitude? I crave stillness and silence and this life offers very little of it. God's doing a make over and I may be fighting it, but all I know is that is pretty painful.

The Body is Weak and the Mind is Unwilling

Tonight I got more of a glimpse of what this disease has taken and I once again felt completely useless.  Chris is preparing a message to preach in November.  There is a song that would go perfectly (at least I think so) with his message.  Its one of the songs I listened to this morning called The More I Seek You.  We looked this afternoon for sheet music for it and all we could find was a pathetic rendition of it...really pathetic and nowhere near the original music. The original music is not at all that complicated.  So, while Chris and the girls were at church tonight I decided I would sit down and dictate it.  I have to work at it a little more then some, especially with a Lyme brain, but between listening to the song, my knowledge of music theory and picking notes out on the piano, I was piecing it together.  Again, its not overly complicated because its basically broken chords.  As I would get some dictated I would try to play it and was a little frustrated that I was having difficulty playing it.  Keep in mind that I haven't touched the piano for at least 8 months and seriously for over a year and even then it wasn't what I used to be able to play.  It had gotten to a point where I would sit down to play, hoping to enjoy it, and winding up frustrated that my hands wouldn't play like they used to...it just wasn't smooth. At the time I thought it was my hands declining.
I had worked tonight on it for a while when I decided I wanted to add the vocal line. Not knowing who would be singing it or playing it I knew it would be easier if the person playing could see the vocal line.  The last couple times I had been on Finale (music scribing software) it had been messing up, locking up.  I couldn't figure out how to easily add a vocal line, so I copied what I had dictated and opened a new document. Every time I went to set up a vocal line plus piano accompaniment part it would put the vocal line below the accompaniment.   I finally figured out how to get the vocal line above the accompaniment (like its supposed to be), I went to paste what I had dictated and it wouldn't paste...it was gone.  I was bummed but not discouraged...yet. I looked at the clock and all said and done I had used up an hour and didn't have another one to spare.  I open a new document and began dictating again, thinking it won't take as long the second time around, especially as often as I had listened to the song to get the first dictation. But what I found discouraged me more then if my whole computer had crashed.  It was if I had never dictated it the first time. I had no recall, not memory of what I had dictated the first time.  I then began to get frustrated.  I just don't have the time and energy to redo something like this.  I don't like doing things twice as it is, but even more so now.  I have to ration time and energy so badly now.  Again, there was a mix of emotions because on one hand I had sat down and done something I hadn't done in quite some time.  When I taught piano I would ask students what they wanted to play for recital and then I would arrange most of them to fit their level of skill. It felt good picking the song apart, looking at chords and dictating it.  But, it was frustrating to see the decline in the way I processed the pitch and going back and forth between the recording and the dictation...I just couldn't retain it.
I was proud of what I had gotten done though I had nothing to show for it.  But frustrated that an hour was gone and I needed to get dinner ready before the family got home and I don't get time alone where I can work on something like this. Maybe I shouldn't be doing it?  I prayed and then I just sat there and listened to the song twice and sang to Him...at least I could do still do that...as far as I know I can...no one home to tell me stop because it sounded bad :-)
Even at this point I wasn't horribly discouraged. It wasn't till I got into the kitchen to fix dinner (rather warm up dinner) and one thing after another pointed to my inability to do things. I drop things left and right, I go to put something in the cupboard and jam my finger or thumb in the shelf because of poor eye/hand coordination, or I can't get something open, or its difficult to stir something.  Here it is just a challenge to heat up left overs.  And slowly I begin to feel useless.  Chris and the girls come home and I am really discouraged. As I start to share with Chris what happened, only then do I start to put pieces of the puzzle together.  I realize in talking with him that it wasn't my hands that made it difficult to play, though they didn't help with the pain and decline in agility, but it was my mind that was making it difficult to play.  This discouraged me even further as I feel like an invalid.  Can't keep house, can barely cook dinner (and God has prevented the house from being burned down or a finger cut off), and I'm seeing all that has been taken away.  Things dearly loved....things I made a living by. Gifts and talents God gave me and I have struggled understanding why I can't do them anymore.  As I'm spouting this off I remember my song from this morning....If you take it all away will my hands stay lifted and will my heart still sing.  In my heart I say "yes" but it doesn't change the sadness and the grieving to see it go or change.  Not liking the feeling that I'm not good for anything here on earth.  I need help in every area.  What good can I be for His kingdom like this?  I lack the understanding but my heart will still sing and my hands will still stay lifted.
The sad part is everyone will most likely eventually go through what I am going through. Its called old age. I just get to experience it at 37.  Stinky part is, if God does allow me to regain any of it back after the Lyme is in remission, I will lose it all again with old age.  It really has been an eye opener for me these last months as to how it might feel to get old.  From the time we are born we work to be independent and be useful and productive and at some point it peaks and we spend the last part declining.  Depression sets in for so many aged people because they no longer sense they are needed, or productive. The very things the defined who they were no longer work and they are left just being if they don't find something else.  As humans we don't handle "feeling useless" very well at all.  Society doens't have a use for us and we are casted away in some form or fashion when we lose our usefulness.  Where once our parents took care of us, we then take care of our parents.  Honestly, I believe that getting old is the cruelest aspect of life. My mind ponders why it has to be this way.  I'm waiting for God to show me the answer.  I do find great peace, after losing whatever I may in this life, that I will end up in heaven where none of it will matter and I can sit at the feet of Jesus and bask in his glory all the rest of my days. I know I will have to share Him there as well (see previous blog :-)  ) but I won't care because I will be in so much awe over Him.  Some day.....

Church In Bed

Having been through a herx and not feeling well the last 4 days I struggled last night about church this morning.  It was strange to have two sides in me. One wanting to go to church but not at my church and one that didn't want to stay home.  I asked Chris, "Where does this leave me? My car?" When I look at what my body has been through the last 4 days I knew home in bed taking it easy and not pushing it was where I needed to be.

Last night Chris and I had a dinner to go to.  Chris arranged a babysitter, a sweet lady from church.  Since I didn't feel well, I stayed home. I told him to call the babysitter and let her know I was staying home and not to worry about coming but Chris said he wanted her to come anyway to help me out with the girls.  Not having much strength to argue I subsided.  But its weird having another adult in the house.  My body is aching for bed and to stay down but when there is another adult, no matter the circumstance, it is very difficult for me to "rest" or stay in bed.  I don't know if its the hostess thing or what it is.  She mentioned twice she didn't feel like she did anything and yet, once again, she did.  I mostly sat or layed on the couch with one of my kiddos while she made pizza with the other kiddo.  After dinner she and I began talking.  I realized last night that there is a strength in sharing what God has been doing.  There is a strength when she shared things God has done in her life.  While talking about the lessons, the experiences, the amazing love and blessings God has done I don't feel "sick".  As soon as we stopped and returned "to earth" the "sick" feeling returned as well.  I love sharing about what God has been doing with our family. 

I'm reading a book by Elisabeth Elliot called Through Gates of Splendor and I am in awe and feel such conviction as I read the passion Jim Elliot had for God.  It talks about how when he went to Wheaton College he feared being occupied by the "nonessentials" and miss the "essentials" of life.  It made me think how easy it is to get "consumed" by the things of this world.  Even the things we think are important or essential and missing what is really important.  I didn't think I would like this book but I am drawn to the commitment, passion, drive to share God's love in the most extreme places.  Some would say their job is the most important thing. Some would say football.  Some would say __________. Funny how I don't see those things in the Bible.  They are great and fun but not essential.  So what is essential.  If you are a Christian it should be Christ and Christ only.

This morning I lay in bed and I started out with several songs. One was:

The More I Seek You by Gateway Worship

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I find You

The more I love You

I want to sit at your feet

Drink from the cup in your hand

Lay back against you and breathe

Feel your heartbeat

This love is so deep

Its more than I can stand

I melt in your peace

Its overwhelming

This song moves me so much and my soul joins in and sings it out to Him.

The other songs was:

Captivate Us by Watermark

Your face is beautiful

And Your eyes are like the stars.

Your gentle hands have healing

There inside the scars.

Your loving arms they draw me near

And You smile it brings me peace.

Draw me closer oh my Lord,

Draw me closer Lord to thee.

And captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing River, 

Draw us nearer.

Holy fountain consume us with you.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

Your voice is powerful,

And Your words are radiant bright.

In Your breath and shadow,

I will come close and abide.

You whisper love and life divine,

And your fellowship is free

Draw me closer, oh my Lord.

Draw me closer Lord to thee.

And captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing River, draw us nearer.

Holy fountain consume us with You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

And let everything be lost in the shadow,

Of the light of Your face.

And let every chain,

Be broken from me,

As I'm bound in Your grace.

For Your yoke is easy,

Your burden is light.

Your full of wisdom, power and might,

And every eye, will see You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus,

Set our eyes on You.

Devastate us, with your presence, falling down.

And rushing river, draw us nearer,

Holy fountain consume us with You.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You.

Another one of my favorites is I'm Still Yours by Kutless:

If You washed away my vanity

If You took away my words

If all my world was swept away

Would You be enough for me?

Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all

Would my hands stay lifted

To the God who gives and takes away?

If You take it all

This life You've given

Still my heart will sing to you.

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there's nothing left

To steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

If I lost it all

Would my hands stay lifted

To the God who gives and takes away?

If You take it all

This life You've given

Still my heart will sing to you.

Even if You take it all away

You'll never let me go

Take it all away

I still know

That I'm Yours

That I'm still Yours

I'm Yours

I'm still Yours!

I'm still Yours.

I then shuffled through the ipod and didn't see or feel any other songs pull on my heart so I set it on Jim Brickman's Faith cd and put it aside while it played in the background. I opened a devotional book I have called Reaching Forward by Gary Henry.  This book has encouraged me like no other and has really spoken to me where I'm at.

I like to open to the date and look at the key scripture. I then like to open my parallel bible and read that passage in four translations.  I then look at the scripture as printed at the top of the page in the devotional which is usually different translation.  Today's, as usual, hit me where I'm at, where God has been nudging me, tugging on me, chipping away and trying to mold me.  Today's reading talked about how our freedom has responsibility.  Aw! I remember thinking about how with freedom comes responsibility earlier this year (sometime since April). One sentence that stuck out to me was, "And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer..." (Romans 1:28). Wow! I can't imagine and yet does this happen gradually as we allow the things of this earth to take on more importance then our faith and knowledge of God?

It goes on to explain that God finally gave them over to their world passions. "In effect, God withdrew His restraining hand and let them plunge to the depths of their desired rebellion."  Even from my early days as a Christian, I remember reading about another scripture in the Old Testament that talked about how God turned His back on them. I remember thinking, and still do, how awful this would be.  This would be worse then anything that could possibly happen to me in life.  I have prayed that God would never "give up" on me and I thank Him that I feel His hands on my life and that He loves me as much as He does despite who I am and that He would find joy in disciplining me and not just leaving me where He found me.  

I went on to tomorrow's devotional and it talked about hope.  Yes, this has been a recurring word and lesson as I figure out where my hope lies.  The scripture passage is Acts 27:20 and it says, "since neither sun nor stars appeared for many days, and no small storm was assailing us, from then on all hope of our being saved was gradually abandoned." Even reading that my heart sinks and aches. To lose hope, all hope. Gary Henry begins the devotional by saying, "The only hope that we really have is the hope of God's grace and forgiveness. Whatever other hopes we may have are little more then dust and ashes  if we fail to find salvation and eternal life in Him." So true. And this is true as I go through this disease.  I've learned not to hang my hope on what scientifical research says things should be. I've learned not to hang my hope on lab results, or time tables, or doctor's words, etc.  All these things are man made things and man is fallible, untrustworthy, unreliable, and will one day be blown away as dust and ashes.  My hope is in God, who will forever be and is forever in control of everything else.  This is challenged, especially the weeks leading up to the last lab tests/results.  There was an anxiousness I did like and cannot explain.  If only my eyes would stay heavenward and not downcast. 

I love how Gary Henry reminds us that, "The need for God is planted deep within us, having been put there by our Creator, but we often deny that need and expand our energies on so frantically in the pursuit of other needs that we forget about our need for God, at least for all practical purposes."  I think of the people I know that live such busy lives.  "To busy" for this and "to busy" for that.  I was once on that path.  It still calls my name and I feel the urge to "be busy" because then I feel useful and productive.  But in the pursuit of wanting to be useful and productive I lose sight of the one need that will fulfill all others....my need for communing with God, to bask in His presence, and be reminded of His love and promises.  No other "pursuit" or "accomplishment" or "business" can supply the security, comfort, and most of all peace like being still and being in His presence.  I wonder why it is so difficult for most of us to be still, why we have to constantly be striving for something, never really feeling fulfilled in any of our own endeavors.

Even being slowed down by Lyme I find it difficult to be still both with God and for the sake of my health.  Its not easy especially when we live in a world that gets faster and faster and expects us to keep up or be "voted" off. Survival of the fittest. And we live in a world that expects instantaneous results with microwaves and phones that do everything at our fingertips and we get frustrated when it things don't "download" fast enough.  Reminds me of the playground the thing that went round and round. The faster it went the more difficult it was to hang on...sometimes you fell off because you couldn't keep a grasp of the medal bar and/or because it was so crowded.  

If I had to choose to go back to being busy life, (striving to accomplish to be useful and productive, running around with my head cut off, too busy for any relationship except the ones that helped in my hecticness), and the life I am currently living with Lyme disease where things are slower but not by choice,....I choose to live green!  Its not easy being green, as quoted by a beloved frog, but in this slowere pace of things I am able to see that the only thing that will fill my needs is God and I yearn to seek Him, live for Him, and know Him more.  Its all that matters in this life that He gave me.  So much easier said then done but easier to realize and aim for when things are not on the merry-go-round going hundred miles an hour out of control.  I am thankful for a disease that allowed me the time to realize and learn the things God has shown me. I am thankful that I have a God that doesn't leave me the way He found me.  I am thankful that He is still working on me....in so many ways.  Church in bed...its a wonderful thing.

Herxing

Saturday night I didn't feel well but Sunday wasn't too bad. Monday I didn't feel great and then it went down hill from there.  Wednesday, I didn't feel well and was beating myself up for it until I woke up from nap time and my back was killing me. Then it hit me....this is a herx.  Yesterday found myself in bed all day and today has been worse.  The pain is incredible and the really stinky thing about a herx is the pain responds to very little and its very difficult to sleep, though all you can do is lay in bed.  Today it was very difficult to find a position where there wasn't something screaming at me.  Almost every major joint is mad and I'm begging to be put out until its over.  Yesterday I was able to take a Soma and sleep the entire day. Not so today.  I layed in bed hour on hour and every little noise sends the body jumping as if someone jumped out from behind a corner and said, "boo".  Of course, then, I have to start all over in trying to sleep.  I tried a pain med hoping it would relieve some of the pain and knock me out. Nope. So, then I asked Chris for a Soma in hopes it would knock me out again like yesterday. Nope.  It brings a new meaning and understanding to "bump on a log"....literally.
It has been a while since I have had a herx this rough.  I am hoping today was the peak of it and tomorrow will bring relief.  If not, tomorrow will be worse...at least that has been the track records of my herxes.
It has been frustrating because I didn't feel well for several weeks and then I had a couple days where it wasn't so bad. I try to catch up on things but before I get completely caught up I am knocked back down.  Its that, one step forward and two steps back feeling.  I worry about Chris and his work because people truly do not understand, especially when I was in church on  Sunday and I "look good".  I have found myself completely frustrated by the lack of understanding and desire to understand or make any effort to understand by family, friends and otherwise. There are those that just don't care anymore because this has carried on past their timetable.  There are those that expect me to make all the effort to keep peace and do and act and function as a normal person and yet I can't.  Just this week I was hurt when asked what a herx is and by another that laughed when I mentioned trying to be good by taking naps. I don't talk to many, and I share with even less the things that mean something, so its not as if I share everything with everyone. But with very few do I mention certain things thinking that they will support us and it hurts when the above happens.
I will cling to my God who does not judge and criticize me, but who cares deeply and is with me at all times.   I will be thankful that I have a husband that loves me (I have yet to figure that out) and has stuck by me through all this.  I prayed in college that God would show me His unconditional love that I hear people talk of and He put Chris in my life.  Chris has loved me unconditionally with no strings attached. I am blessed with two beautiful girls that amaze me day in and day out.  I am blessed to watch them grow and learn and play together and am blessed that God has called us to homeschool (though I don't understand why).  I wouldn't trade that time for the world.  Chris and I figured out one night that because I homeschool, that the hours I get with them where they would normally be in school with someone else, equals to 90 extra days a year.  I get 3 months extra with my girls that a typical mom does not.  There are days where I am pulling my hair out but I still wouldn't trade them for the world.  So, I find myself being very thankful for the family I have living inside these walls when the rest of the world is being fickle outside these walls.  I am thankful that peace, love and comfort reign inside these walls.  I am thankful that God has kept us together and has kept 3 out 4 healthy and strong and that the one battling a disease He has been so gracious as to allow her to feel well enough to enjoy her family and homeschool her girls.  God's blessings reign and I will look to them when all else is crazy and when others don't understand. At least I understand that I may never understand what all is going on but I do know and grow in understanding the One who understands all and still loves me. May He somehow be glorified in some way through any part of this Lyme green mess.

Heavy Heart

Sunday, October 3, 2010

My heart is heavy today full of questions and thoughts. One thought that came today while in church is that I am dry and am in need of water.   I am in need of encouragement for sure.  I'm sure this goes along with "need a break" in some way but when that can't happen right away what do you do?

The last 3 weeks have been challenging health wise in not feeling well. The constant roller coaster leaves me struggling emotionally.  I am so thankful for the days I don't feel as bad.  Yesterday was one of those and after 3 weekends of being down and able to go to church, I felt encouraged that I felt as well as I did.  But the brain interprets that as, "you're getting better" aka the bad days are behind you.  Then I have a challenging day and I feel knocked down again.  Most diseases and illnesses have a gradual get better when they are healing but not Lyme. It stays true to its track record and is difficult in that process as well.

Today my heart is heavy in trying to be obedient to God and feeling like the more I am obedient the tougher life gets.  Chris and I made a decision out of obedience and it has had a rippling effect with other people and not in a good way.  It is not easy, and it will never be easy, to be obedient to God because God is not of this world and, therefore, what He asks us to do will seem "crazy" in the world's standards and most times feels impossible to follow through on.  What prevents me from obeying is that I am more concerned what other people will think.  I don't like going against the grain, so to say.  I like being peaceful and honestly would prefer to be quiet and invisible so as to not cause any ripples.  However, being a Christian we are called to be different and are told that we are not of this world, that this world is not our home, that we are foreigners in this place.  Our true home is heaven.

I have never felt more a foreigner then I have in the last 18 months. The tough thing is I feel more a foreigner in my own family (those outside my house) and my church then anywhere else.  Maybe because thats where I am mostly judged and misunderstood ironically. 

I felt pretty good yesterday, getting three weeks of clothes put away but then I was wiped out.  We had a special dinner last night where we honor the widows in our church.  I was nervous going.  I don't like these social atmospheres due to the decline in my mind.  I don't remember things, and I don't process well and so I usually end up looking like a baffling idiot and offending someone with my blank looks or lack or remembering something.  I also needed to talk to someone who had been offended in our act of obedience to God.  Its also in these situations where people ask questions that wouldn't normally ask questions, and the last thing I felt like talking about was Lyme.  The night was about our widows and not me.  In a whole, the evening went okay but about half way through I started feeling bad, crashing.  By the time we got home, a mere 8:30, I was done.  I felt horrible, having 3 head episodes in a row and feeling frustrated because I wanted to go to church, having not been there the last 3 weeks.

But this morning came and by the time I got to church with the girls, all I wanted to do was go home.  I had a conversation with a church member that didn't turn out pleasant due to miscommunication and by the time I got down to the youth room I was emotionally fragile, just wanting to go home and bask in God's presence by myself.  We had missionary partners speaking today and I wanted to listen but I also wanted to just go home.  I was afraid if anyone asked, "how are you doing?" I would fall apart and that just wouldn't do.  I already feel that several hold opinions of me based off of what they have heard from others and not based off of true investment of me and my family.  Me breaking down would just add another dart to the "Elizabeth is weird" dart board.  This morning I felt like no matter what I do or don't do I can't win.  I try to just be me but its met with critical eyes. The frustrating thing is that this church, these people, have only seen the "sick" me and unfortunately, the sickest me.  Unless they have taken the time to get to know us, and few have reached beyond the superficial, they don't know the true us beyond the Lyme green layer.  This hurts tremendously. I guess the reason it hurts so badly is because I came to Simonton with high hopes of getting involved, serving, and building new relationships and anything but has happened.  My plan didn't happen and I struggle in seeing where God's plan is better.

So, I sat there this morning listening to this 17 year old talk of being a missionary's daughter and growing up as one in Venezuela and I was floored by her confidence and her ability to put into words her relationship with God.  She brought up a verse in Matthew about being the salt of the earth if that salt loses its flavor and I was hit with overwhelming feelings as my heart cried out to God telling Him that I felt like salt that had lost its flavor and had been cast off to the left, useless.  I just don't see how where I am is useful at all.  How does where I am at right now glorify Him, and do anything for His kindgdom? I feel a tug to get up and go home as my eyes fill up and I don't want anyone to see me "lose it".  After sunday school I go to pick up my girls and I never make it to their room as I am stopped by a couple women.  I am torn between wanting to pick up my girls and get to church on time (I hate my girls being the last ones picked up or when they are and the teachers have to bring them out so they can go to church) and being a listening ear.  I feel torn because in my effort to be caring I am interpreted as being nosy and yet if I don't ask how others are doing, I will never find out and I am interpreted as being selfish and self centered.  Again, no win either way.  

The girls and I are late to church.  I'm thankful that the front row is taken (where Becka and Maddie always want to sit...I would in any other church but not here as a pastor's wife) but I couldn't see where  we could just sneak in and sit down without being noticed.  We find a place in the middle of a row and wouldn't you know between girls that need to go potty (I should have taken them before going into the service) and going up front for something as a family and for something else I don't remember, we had to ask this poor lady and her children 3 times to excuse us.  Not my idea of being invisible.  All through the service I hear our pastor talking about obedience and I'm having conversation after conversation with God about why, after its been preached about for weeks now (and I hadn't been there) were people having such a difficult time when our family makes a decision out of obedience? 

By the time we got home I was exhausted.  Bless my poor husband as he comes in the door.  He caringly takes off his tie and sits down by me and allows me to ball and vent my feelings.

I came to the realization today that church has changed for me and it saddens me.  I have never, in my entire Christian years, not wanted to go to church but today I fought not wanting to be at church.  I wanted to be home where I can sing my praise songs and people don't stare at me or turn around to see who is singing, and I can bask in God's word without a distraction....and all done in my pj's.  Today I wanted God all to myself. I didn't want to share Him with anyone and I just wanted to be invisible. I will say that since April I have been moved at church by the spirit which always results in crying as I am moved so deeply by what He is doing in my life.  I so don't like others seeing me cry because its always intrepreted in other ways.  This morning I was burdened with a continuous thought of, "what if I want them to see you break down and cry? Maybe then others will open up and be real as well." and I picture that dart board with more darts then it can hold and I begin to plead with God to "send" someone else. I struggle being a pastor's wife.  There is a bubble whether I want it to exist or not.  I don't say that because I am conceited or self centered.  I truly would rather be invisible. But the fact is, if I'm gone they notice and if I'm there they notice, and the Lyme disease makes it even more so.  If Chris weren't a pastor and I wasn't sick, I think I could go and not be noticed as much.  I am very uncomfortable in the clothes God has on me right now.